An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"

Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches ...Read more

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to ...Read more

Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to Joe Average, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own ...Read more

No body

No body

No body

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William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators, recently lost his job when it was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group for a chartered-double-decker bus trip to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus, and only 1 seat on the top of the bus available when they board. The young ladies decide to take turns riding on the top, and flip a coin to see who gets the first turn. The ...Read more

Q: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
A: They go on peck-nics!

Q: What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
A: Coop-cakes!

Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: An eggroll!

Q: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
A: The bombshell!

Q: What does an alarm cluck ...Read more

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!

Q: What do you call a lioin who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!

Q: What do tigers wear in bed?
A: Stripey pyjamas!

Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!

Judge: "You admit breaking into the dress shop four times?"

Defendant: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "What did you steal?"

Defendant: "A dress, Your Honor."

Judge: "One dress? And yet you admit breaking in four times!"

Defendant: "Well, your Honor, you see the first three times my wife didn't like the color."

The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"

The ...Read more

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Sure now, we only have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still ...Read more

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather ...Read more

What do you get if you all sit under a cow?
A pat on the head!

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?
Swine flu!

What kind of doctor treats ducks?
A quack!

What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
Afer ewe!

Why ...Read more