A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers ...Read more

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse. "We're required to ...Read more

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened ...Read more

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey ...Read more

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

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"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry, maybe they should brag about it in their ads. 'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a ...Read more

No body

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even ...Read more

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, ...Read more

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Fight crime – Shoot back

Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN ...Read more

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren’t breaking any laws.

4. You wear black socks with sandals.

5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

7. Your address ...Read more

Baby Billy was sitting in his mother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

"What are you doing?" Billy asked.

"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his mother replied.

"That's cool!" Billy said.

"Are you going to hang it next to the bear?"