GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM. Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or ...Read more

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge =...Read more

So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: "Book."

The librarian says: "You want a book?"

"Book."

"Any book?"

"Book."

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, "Book-book"

The librarian says: "Now you want two books?"

"Book-book....Read more

FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").

HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawn mowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your ...Read more

BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.

BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the big mean computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they ...Read more

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?"

"I don't know," Ernie ...Read more

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

David Letterman

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her, and she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.

She had him arrested for harassing her.

Then the case came ...Read more

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist ...Read more

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Continued below...

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother ...Read more

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

- Who me? I just wander from room to room.

- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

- At least I have a positive attitude about my ...Read more

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. ...Read more

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to ...Read more

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or ...Read more

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday."

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. ...Read more

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they ...Read more

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ash- trays for Mother's Day." --Paul Clay

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"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got ...Read more