Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced plans to send 1,000 National Guard troops to increase security. If you really want to slow down the flow of illegal immigrants, send the TSA. Seth Meyers
Instead of us sending troops down to the border, we just do what you do when you run out of candy on Halloween. Let's turn off the lights and pretend America's not home. So the kids move on to the next house – Canada. Stephen Colbert
A new investigation found that people are using fake ID's to sign up for Obamacare. I'm sorry, but today's teenagers do not know how to party. Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, a judge said that Obamacare is an acceptable substitute for state-run health insurance. He actually said that, 'It's just like Domino's being a substitute for Pizza Hut.' Then, Americans said, 'Well, either way, it's taken you guys way ...
Today is National Hammock Day. And just like a hammock, I can't get into it. Seth Meyers
Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. Craig Ferguson