My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject.

One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop.

"I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."

"Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply.

"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says.

After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard...

"Small Italian, your order is up!"