... continued from above

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweatin' to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Leave ...Read more

... continued from above

...Chocolate Bars - Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

...Blenders - You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

...Coolers - Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

...Government bonds - They take so long to mature.

...Used Cars - Both are easy-to-get, cheap and they prove to be ...Read more

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my recruiter what I could expect from jump training.

"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."

"What else?" I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third ...Read more

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such ...Read more

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all year -- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"

... continued from above

If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Darn me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd ...Read more

1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you ...Read more

Recently, I got to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our jumpmaster looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "...Read more

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting...Read more

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to...Read more

On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him.

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it.

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends...Read more

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors.

Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, ...Read more

During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.

The Pope shook his head and said no to the offer.

Two weeks later the businessman...Read more

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."

--Samuel Johnson, lexicographer (1709-1784)

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Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything, but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.

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"My mom had a weekly court and we'd get tickets during the week. On ...Read more

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a ...Read more

These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears ...Read more

- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

- Diet tip: Eat a ...Read more

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or ...Read more

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone ...Read more