Humor
/Entertainment
Two Lions
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush...Read more
Quick Quotes
"In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet." --Jay Leno
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"Martha Stewart is with us tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon baller." --David Letterman
Hospital Report
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "...Read more
The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school...Read more
New Drugs on the Market
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single ...Read more
Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!"
At this ...Read more
Card Game
Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.
Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Gus ...Read more
For The Kids...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa you can do is let me in!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lisbon!
Lisbon who?
Lisbon married eight times!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Liszt!
Liszt who?
Liszt of ingredients!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady!
...Read more
Quick Quotes
"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water." --Dave Letterman
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"Regis Philbin says his upcoming Christmas album will feature a duet with him and Donald Trump. I guess the idea is you play it when you want your relatives to go home." --Jay Leno
Late Show Home Shopping with Jon Stewart
Stephen Colbert is joined by his longtime friend and "The Daily Show" host Jon Stewart to announce a HUGE drop of memorabilia for The Late Show's charity auction. Visit http://colbertlateshow.com/ebay to bid on these one-of-a-kind items and grab a "The Last Show" t-shirt while you're at it! All profits go directly to World Central Kitchen.
Adam Scott on Hating Coachella, Shooting Severance Season 3 Soon & Adults Believing in Ghosts
Jimmy thanks Adam for bringing our staff and crew donuts after our show was briefly taken off the air, and Adam talks about taking his daughter to Coachella, absolutely hating it, starting to shoot the third season of Severance very soon, being compared to a pile of laundry, his new horror movie Hokum, staying at a hotel in the Irish countryside...Read more
What’s Behind Me? with Charlize Theron | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Charlize Theron and Jimmy take turns giving each other clues to guess the random scenes happening behind them, like “Betsy Ross shooting an apple off Harry Styles’ head with her feet,” before the clock runs out.
Why Andy Serkis Long Dreamt Of Bringing George Orwell's "Animal Farm" To The Big Screen
Beloved actor and director Andy Serkis recalls reading the novel "Animal Farm" as a young adult and immediately being inspired to adapt it into a motion picture. A few decades later, his dream is a reality and "Animal Farm" the film is set to open in theaters on May 1st.
Mentalist Oz Pearlman Blows Dave's Mind | David Letterman
It's the Barbara Gaines Show holiday spectacular with special guests Paul Shaffer and Oz the mentalist.
Problem Solving
There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer...Read more
Missing Wallet
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
Two caterpillars
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
If I could hit the ball that way ...
Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.
Flood smiled.
"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way ...Read more
For The Kids...
Where do ants go to eat?
At a restaurant!
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian!
What kind of ants are very learned?
Pedants!
What do you call a smart ant?
Elegant!
What do you call a rich frog?
A golf blooded reptile!
