- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

- War Dims Hope For Peace

- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

- Deer Kill 17,000

- Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

- Typhoon Rips ...Read more

A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing.

"I am learning to drive." was the reply.

"What? without an instructor?" exclaimed the officer.

"Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course."

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper...Read more

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered...Read more

... continued from above

Dear Diary: The authorities have punished me for taking a poop on the living room floor. This despite my efforts to distribute the litter evenly throughout the house. I am convinced that they are mad men, devoid of reason.

Dear Diary: The squirrel was back again today. It mocks me. I will try and release my mind from ...Read more

A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

"They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe.

"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog, so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a ...Read more

During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for ...Read more

I was told to explain marketing to a group of newbies.

You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her: "I am very datable". That is Direct Marketing.

You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her: "That guy over there is very ...Read more

Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, ...Read more

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as ...Read more

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};

summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6...Read more

"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno

"Snap! Censure! A moral condemnation of the president so severe it's only happened once before to President Andrew ...Read more

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over ...Read more

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost ...Read more

Abbott.

Abbott who?

Abbott time you answered the door!

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" ...Read more

In 1997, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch (M-LAW) began a contest to expose how frivolous lawsuits, and a concern about potential frivolous lawsuits, have led to a new cultural phenomenon: the wacky warning label.

You have probably heard about the lawsuit over a spilled cup of coffee. However, there are many other silly lawsuits involving products...Read more