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Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Jeanne Phillips, a.k.a. "Dear Abby," has been the most trusted and popular advice columnist for years. Her daily readership totals more than 95 ...
Read more about Abigail Van Buren.
Friend Feels She's Always The Caller Who's Waiting
Abigail Van Buren
DEAR ABBY: I often go to the movies with my friend
"Valerie." During the movie she puts her phone on mute, but
I can still hear when it vibrates. Val acts embarrassed by it, but she
never turns the phone off.
As soon as the movie ends, Val will check her phone for the message. (It's never anything that couldn't wait.) Then she returns the call and talks to the caller all the way out of the theater and to her car where we say our goodbyes.
The last time we went to a film, I met her at a cinema miles from where I live, battling rush-hour traffic. When I arrived, she was standing in line with her exercise instructor. They spent the extra hour before the movie began discussing workout techniques, completely ignoring me and the instructor's husband. Val also "had" to place a call to a co-worker while we waited.
When Valerie calls me, she'll interrupt me in mid-sentence to take a non-emergency call from family. She promises to call me right back, but never does. Abby, I value her friendship, but I'm tired of her rudeness. I'm not good at confrontations. What can I do? -- SECOND BANANA
DEAR SECOND BANANA: The relationship you have with Val is not what I would call friendship. Friends enjoy each other's company and enjoy talking with each other. Friends are sensitive to each other's feelings. With each of the actions you have described, Val is demonstrating that you -- and your feelings -- are less important than what she impulsively decides to do at the moment.
Under the circumstances, I don't think it would be "confrontational" to tell this woman that your feelings are hurt and why. From where I sit, she has treated you like nothing more than a seat partner.
DEAR ABBY: What does it mean when a spouse refers only to himself when talking about things that involve the two of us as a couple? Example: We're building a house, but he never says "we" when talking about it. He'll say, "my house," or "I'm not going to pay that much."
When I mention this to him, he gets angry and says, "You know what I mean." Well, I don't because I always say "we" when referring to financial matters or anything else that pertains to both of us. Am I being petty? -- TEAM PLAYER IN OHIO
DEAR TEAM PLAYER: Yes, if you take this personally. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't worth picking a fight over. And if you're smart, you will choose your battles.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are invited to my dad and stepmom's house for almost every holiday. There are usually 25 to 35 people at these events. After dinner, the "girls" are expected to clear the tables, wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. I don't mind volunteering, but my stepmom INSISTS. No dessert is served until everything is clean.
When I invite guests to my home, I ask them to leave the dishes and "let's enjoy ourselves." I believe that when you invite people over, you should not expect them to work unless they volunteer. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- STUCK IN A CYCLE
DEAR STUCK: You are entitled to your feelings, but what you are describing are two different styles of entertaining. Your father and stepmom are traditional in their thinking, as demonstrated by the gender-driven division of labor. While I agree that your stepmom could be less heavy-handed in her approach, it is her house, and on their turf, the hosts get to make the rules. If you really resent being conscripted when you attend these gatherings, perhaps you should attend fewer of them.
CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: It's your birthday, Mama -- 91 amazing years. You have taught me by example all of the important life lessons, and I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
COPYRIGHT 2009 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of uclick and Universal Press Syndicate.
This news arrived on: 07/04/2009
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Posted Comments:
07-04-2009 22:16
InMyShoes wrote:
TEAM PLAYER IN OHIO
Mine does it all the time and like you it really aggravates me. It is sometimes taken a step further when my husband will take total credit for something I did for US completely on my own. In the past this is one battle I would sometimes take on. I would get a shoulder shrug response.
The reason that comes to mind is that at his work place he is the one in charge of his department. Plus or minus, good or bad, he is the one who must answer. When he disrespects me this way, I take a deep breath and remind myself it may only be a repetative habit that was planted and grown at work.
The reason that comes to mind is that at his work place he is the one in charge of his department. Plus or minus, good or bad, he is the one who must answer. When he disrespects me this way, I take a deep breath and remind myself it may only be a repetative habit that was planted and grown at work.
07-04-2009 16:41
Willa wrote:
team player, stuck in cycle
To the lady whose husband refers to everything as "my" and "mine", I suggest that you start finding all his assets and debts, as well as setting up new savings accounts and separate credit accounts in your name alone. He may be keeping you in the dark about his property and finances. If something happens--a separation or divorce or even his death, you may otherwise be destitute. If you draw a paycheck, a good amount of it should go into some retirement account. If not, skim a part of the money your husband has allotted to you for household expenses. (Or does he personally take care of all those, too?) My ex used to actually put property and bank accounts into his parents' and new girlfriend's names before exposing his new affair to the current wife. (Last laugh--new gf became new wife and kept everything in their divorce.)
Stuck in cycle: It looks like you don't like the other women in your family. The men in my family always got a kick out of how all us women migrated to the large kitchen to have fun talking about everything, even gossip about our friends (and enemies) after dinner. By the time we were ready to serve desert, everyone was ready for it. When I eat dinner and am forced to eat the dessert immediately, I do not enjoy the dessert. There's no reason to eat it if it is going to taste less good and leave me painfully stuffed. Our family loves this system.
Stuck in cycle: It looks like you don't like the other women in your family. The men in my family always got a kick out of how all us women migrated to the large kitchen to have fun talking about everything, even gossip about our friends (and enemies) after dinner. By the time we were ready to serve desert, everyone was ready for it. When I eat dinner and am forced to eat the dessert immediately, I do not enjoy the dessert. There's no reason to eat it if it is going to taste less good and leave me painfully stuffed. Our family loves this system.
07-04-2009 15:56
East of Eden wrote:
Team Player
Hard to say - if all the assets are in his name, then there is a big problem. If this is the only "selfishness" he displays, then there is no problem. I know a lot of mothers who refer to their children as "my children" and not "our children". So, it's really hard to tell if this particular husband is just using the same phraseology as lots of other people.
07-04-2009 15:54
East of Eden wrote:
Stepmom
The stepmom is being somewhat rude - she should not insist and she should not hold the dessert as blackmail. You know what? The next time you're over, leave right after the main course saying that you're meeting some friends for dessert.
When my grandmother was living and the family would get together at her home, all of the women did the old cook and cleanup but it was something with which they grew up and it gave the women time to chat and catch up (my mom's family was quite large). The men would head to the garage and they'd watch us kids in the yard.
Personally, I'd never have 25+ people over unless I had it catered or picked up a lot of takeout and used paper plates and plastic glasses and cutlery. When I do have friends over, I prefer that they do NOT help me clean up - I have my own system and although they mean well, friends who try to help only confuse the situation for me.
The only other alternative is to not attend these family events. In a way, I don't blame the stepmom because preparing food and cleaning up after 25+ people is a huge undertaking.
When my grandmother was living and the family would get together at her home, all of the women did the old cook and cleanup but it was something with which they grew up and it gave the women time to chat and catch up (my mom's family was quite large). The men would head to the garage and they'd watch us kids in the yard.
Personally, I'd never have 25+ people over unless I had it catered or picked up a lot of takeout and used paper plates and plastic glasses and cutlery. When I do have friends over, I prefer that they do NOT help me clean up - I have my own system and although they mean well, friends who try to help only confuse the situation for me.
The only other alternative is to not attend these family events. In a way, I don't blame the stepmom because preparing food and cleaning up after 25+ people is a huge undertaking.
07-04-2009 11:59
Sandy in Wisconsin wrote:
Team Player
OOPS! My bad. Sorry! That was for Team Player
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