Congratulations on Your New Job

They also want to know how many companies you are talking to.

Answering any of these questions "has no upside, only downside." This is why the experienced negotiator will respond with sophistry, like "I need to learn more about this exciting opportunity before I can value it," or my personal surefire recommendation to all questions about how much you earn or want to earn: "more than a dollar and less than one million." (Note that this response does have its drawbacks. What is they're ready to pay you $1.5 mil?)

Revealing the number of companies with whom you are interviewing also puts you at risk, especially if the number is zero. A mature, totally professional response such as "None of your beeswax" works in this situation, but the better move is to say "Well, my performance has made me quite popular now, and all I can say is, 'I really know how Taylor Swift feels.'"

At this point, ask the interviewer if they want to be Travis Kelce to your Taylor Swift and make beautiful music together. That will turn off most interviewers, but if you find one that responds with an offer, saying, "Look What You Made Me Do," you've got a winner.

Mistake No. 2: Premature negotiation

The smart negotiator is in no rush to get down to business. A good delaying technique is to insist that you "need some time to process and/or talk to your wife, partner or spouse."

If you don't have a wife, partner or spouse, pause negotiations until you can meet, marry and move in with one, or two or all three. If you don't have time, talk about the offer with your labradoodle. They always know what to do.

Assuming you've kept your mouth shut and dragged your feet as long as humanly possible, you've hopefully gathered information on multiple offers, which you can use to "strategically share the stronger portions of the offers without sharing the weaker points."

This is the leverage you've been looking for.

Tell Company A that Company B has offered you a gigantic salary with beaucoup RSU's, a personal assistant, a beach house and two leased Teslas, one for weekdays and one for weekends. You don't necessarily have to tell them the job is in Kyrgyzstan.

The offer that comes back from Company A should be totally acceptable, but there's only one way to make sure you're making the right decision.

Talk with your labradoodle.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.