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Sylvia Rimm On Raising Kids: Grandparenting Is Tricky Business

Sylvia Rimm

Q. My 5-year-old granddaughter is very quiet at school or when she's out somewhere; however, at her house she's unruly, and she's also become unruly at my house since I've gotten a new dog. She talks back, tells her parents (my son and daughter-in-law) to shut up, and doesn't listen. They recently adopted a 3-year-old dog and she's "mean" to the dog. She hits him or grits her teeth when she pets both dogs. I think she's jealous of the dogs.

She has a 14-year-old half-sister who lives with them, and my granddaughter witnesses her sister talking back to her mother (they share the same mother). Her parents are at their wits end with her and say that she's bad and that something is wrong with her in front of her. They try to discipline her but they aren't consistent, and everyone yells at her a lot. She's the love of my life. Any suggestions on how to make her behave and listen?

A. You're probably observing some important problems for your granddaughter, but criticizing your daughter-in-law's parenting is tricky business. Even if you give her good advice, she'll undoubtedly not be accepting because it will feel threatening to her or as if you don't think she's a good mom. There are several obvious problems.

First, it's likely that your granddaughter is jealous of both dogs, and that takes time to change.

Second, your granddaughter sees her older sister as a role model and is learning quickly how to get her parents' attention as her sister does. That gets even more complicated, because in a second marriage there are likely to be some parenting differences in the way your son treats the two girls.

Third, when adults talk about children in negative ways within their hearing, children often assume they're not loved and there's something wrong with them. They feel angry at their parents and helpless about how to improve their behaviors.

All you can do to help your son and daughter-in-law, unless they ask for help, is get them a copy of my book "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008), share my newsletters with them, or suggest counseling.

When your granddaughter visits your home, you can definitely do some things that can help her visits with you and at home. She can help with the dog and learn to be gentle with him. You can praise her for that and tell her that the new puppy is beginning to love her. Gradually as she learns to love your dog, it will help her to adjust to her dog at home. If she's mean to the dog, she should be timed out for 10 minutes to reflect on how she can be kinder next time.

Also, you can encourage her to comply with her parents at home and to be respectful. You can say she'll feel better when she behaves, just as she does at school or when she visits others.

You can teach your granddaughter some special skills when she visits like making beaded necklaces, setting the table, or simple cooking, so that she can feel proud of her accomplishments and show her skills at home and gain positive attention.

What you absolutely don't want to do is criticize her mother or father. That will cause her to become more disrespectful.

For newsletters on "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (for your children) and "Do's and Don'ts of Grandparenting" (for yourself), send a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or go to www.sylviarimm.com for more parenting information.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

This news arrived on: 10/12/2008

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