Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Hi, Carolyn:

I always find one social situation a puzzler. When a guy asks for my number, and I'm not interested, how do I politely say no? And these are cases where I am finding guys to be jerks or too pushy, not where nice guys are just trying to get to know me. I'm assertive in many areas of my life, but this is where the people-pleasing "good girl" in me sometimes butts in and confuses me.

-- D.C.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to share my number." For some reason, a rejection in nine words sounds less brutal than a rejection in one. It's also a plain, unequivocal and honest answer, where it can be so tempting to fudge: "I don't give out my number" or "I'm seeing someone."

If your unequivocal and honest answer is not good enough for the pushy, then you can say, "I haven't changed my mind" -- but do excuse yourself from the conversation at that point. Refusing to take "no" for an answer often signals a refusal to respect boundaries. Admittedly, it still has some advocates, who call it "persistence," but since it bugs you, you'd best make that clear by not sticking around to defend or negotiate your "no."

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Re: D.C.'s quandary:

I always find myself getting bitter when people ask questions like this, and find it hard to resist making snarky comments ("Oh, gosh, it must be terrible to have guys beating down your door!"). I mean, not once has a guy in a bar ever asked for my number. Any advice on dealing with this kind of bitterness?

-- Anonymous

Stop internalizing other people's experiences? Sure, some people seem to get more than their share of cosmic handouts, but most people have their pros leavened by cons. D.C., for example, gets attention -- but also gets dogged by guilt. The rich person you envy may be lonely, have rotten parents, be a chronic malcontent. The current beauty could be a past ugly duckling ... and you never know when clearly visible peace and contentment came only after a trip through the gantlet that you weren't around to see.

Having a realistic view of others both stems from and contributes to a realistic view of yourself. And a good feel for your own strengths, along with some acceptance of your weaknesses, is one of the best ways to keep you from resenting everyone who has a strength you wish you had.

There's also some other perspective to be had here: Some people are more attractive than others and get hit on all the time -- a liability of its own, to be wanted always for what you look like instead of what you are -- and some get hit on a lot because they're approachable.

It's not the end of the romantic world if you come across as less than approachable. It may just mean that bars aren't your place to meet people; you need to rely on the other 95 percent of human gathering places to get your prospects.

To change what you think, it might help just to change what you do.

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