TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH: BE HONEST, POSITIVE

Q: How do you explain death the Jewish way to a high-functioning autistic child of 9? He asks a lot of questions about his grandfathers, who are both in heaven, and I don't always have the correct answers. I'm not sure he's getting the right message. - M., Lynbrook, NY, via godsquadquestion@aol.com )

A: Without knowing your son, I can't advise you about how much he can comprehend. In truth, I don't know how much we supposedly non-disabled people can know about the dimensions of human finitude--that greatest of mysteries about the human condition. Let me therefore begin with what I'd tell any inquisitive 9-year-old about death - whether Jewish, Christian or Muslim. (I would never call such a conversation an "answer" because mysteries have no conclusive answers.)

When a child asks where a dead grandpa went, you can tell them that Grandpa's soul went to heaven after his body died. In this simple answer, you're making an important distinction for the child between the two parts of Grandpa and every person made in the image of God: Grandpa's body, which dies and returns to the earth, and Grandpa's soul, which is the piece of God in Grandpa and which does not die but separates from Grandpa's body at the time of death and goes back to be with God/Allah (and Jesus for Christians) in heaven.

You can explain that Grandpa's soul is happy in heaven because he's close to God and the souls of all his family members who died and went to heaven before him. You can also explain that Grandpa is watching over the child and is proud of him/her when the child helps other people. These responses help a child believe that some part of Grandpa is OK and that death is not the end of every part of Grandpa.

If the child asks if Grandpa is ever coming back, you have to answer that he's not because death is forever. Children often have trouble with time concepts ("Are we there yet?"), and the concept of forever is especially difficult to grasp. The best response is a simple "no" to a question about Grandpa's return.

Another question a child may be asking behind the questions about Grandpa's death is whether you are also going to die and leave them without a parent. I believe the best response is the most positive, such as, "I'm going to be with you for a very, very long time." I'd stop short of promising, "I am not going to die." What children want is simple confidence, not an intimate look at the terrifying fragility of life.

For an autistic child such as your son, I'd pick and choose the parts of this response you believe he can grasp. Perhaps it might come to this: You place your hand on your son's heart and say, "Whenever you think about Grandpa, he'll be inside of you telling you how much he loves you." I pray for your wisdom and your son's comfort.

Q: I've read about fraternal organizations with a religious background. How do groups like Thrivent Financial for Lutherans or the Knights of Columbus for Catholics work with churches? - A., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: Founded as self-governing support networks a century or more ago, some fraternal groups have strong church ties, such as Thrivent or, for Catholics, the Knights of Columbus. Others, such as Woodmen of the World and the separate Modern Woodmen of America, are essentially secular, with broader community-service missions. Altogether these groups claim about 10 million members. Unlike other not-for-profit groups that often sell insurance to members, such as alumni organizations or professional associations, fraternal insurers actually issue much of the insurance they sell.

Should you buy insurance from such groups? I can't advise you on this, but I can refer you to an interesting article by Theo Francis published in The Wall Street Journal May 30, 2006 (http://www.filife.com/stories/be-wary-of-fraternal-organizations-peddling-life-insurance). He has some cautionary advice and writes:

"Faced with the daunting prospect of buying life insurance, many Americans turn to someone they believe they can trust: a representative of a fraternal organization, often associated with their church. But the people who own such policies, or are considering buying one, may be unaware that these organizations, such as Thrivent Financial for Lutherans or Woodmen of the World Life Insurance Society, play by different rules than other insurers -- rules that critics say can put buyers at a disadvantage.

"Unlike other insurance companies, fraternal organizations can unilaterally -- and retroactively -- change many terms of their policies. State courts and regulators have recognized these organizations' right to operate under different rules, and an effort by Missouri regulators to rein in one of them was rejected by a state court there in 2004."

Remember that when you buy insurance from a fraternal group affiliated with your religion, you're a customer, not a congregant, fellow parishioner, or a co-religionist. You're simply a customer and therefore, you should thoroughly investigate the product before purchase, and have it evaluated by someone who's expert in the field and has no conflict of interest in advising you.

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