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The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman

Laurence Sterne

Section 44 of 48 - Table of Contents
Chapter 4.LIV.

--But your honour's two razors shall be new set--and I will get my Montero
cap furbish'd up, and put on poor lieutenant Le Fever's regimental coat,
which your honour gave me to wear for his sake--and as soon as your honour
is clean shaved--and has got your clean shirt on, with your blue and gold,
or your fine scarlet--sometimes one and sometimes t'other--and every thing
is ready for the attack--we'll march up boldly, as if 'twas to the face of
a bastion; and whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlour, to
the right--I'll attack Mrs. Bridget in the kitchen, to the left; and having
seiz'd the pass, I'll answer for it, said the corporal, snapping his
fingers over his head--that the day is our own.

I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle Toby--but I declare,
corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench--

--A woman is quite a different thing--said the corporal.

--I suppose so, quoth my uncle Toby.



Chapter 4.LV.

If any thing in this world, which my father said, could have provoked my
uncle Toby, during the time he was in love, it was the perverse use my
father was always making of an expression of Hilarion the hermit; who, in
speaking of his abstinence, his watchings, flagellations, and other
instrumental parts of his religion--would say--tho' with more facetiousness
than became an hermit--'That they were the means he used, to make his ass
(meaning his body) leave off kicking.'

It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of expressing--
but of libelling, at the same time, the desires and appetites of the lower
part of us; so that for many years of my father's life, 'twas his constant
mode of expression--he never used the word passions once--but ass always
instead of them--So that he might be said truly, to have been upon the
bones, or the back of his own ass, or else of some other man's, during all
that time.

I must here observe to you the difference betwixt
My father's ass
and my hobby-horse--in order to keep characters as separate as may be, in
our fancies as we go along.

For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious beast;
he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about him--'Tis the sporting
little filly-folly which carries you out for the present hour--a maggot, a
butterfly, a picture, a fiddlestick--an uncle Toby's siege--or an any
thing, which a man makes a shift to get a-stride on, to canter it away from
the cares and solicitudes of life--'Tis as useful a beast as is in the
whole creation--nor do I really see how the world could do without it--

--But for my father's ass--oh! mount him--mount him--mount him--(that's
three times, is it not?)--mount him not:--'tis a beast concupiscent--and
foul befal the man, who does not hinder him from kicking.



Chapter 4.LVI.

Well! dear brother Toby, said my father, upon his first seeing him after he
fell in love--and how goes it with your Asse?

Now my uncle Toby thinking more of the part where he had had the blister,
than of Hilarion's metaphor--and our preconceptions having (you know) as
great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things, he had
imagined, that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice of
words, had enquired after the part by its proper name: so notwithstanding
my mother, doctor Slop, and Mr. Yorick, were sitting in the parlour, he
thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had made use of
than not.  When a man is hemm'd in by two indecorums, and must commit one
of 'em--I always observe--let him chuse which he will, the world will blame
him--so I should not be astonished if it blames my uncle Toby.

My A..e, quoth my uncle Toby, is much better--brother Shandy--My father had
formed great expectations from his Asse in this onset; and would have
brought him on again; but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laugh--and
my mother crying out L... bless us!--it drove my father's Asse off the
field--and the laugh then becoming general--there was no bringing him back
to the charge, for some time--

And so the discourse went on without him.

Every body, said my mother, says you are in love, brother Toby,--and we
hope it is true.

I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle Toby, as any man
usually is--Humph! said my father--and when did you know it? quoth my
mother--

--When the blister broke; replied my uncle Toby.

My uncle Toby's reply put my father into good temper--so he charg'd o'
foot.



Chapter 4.LVII.

As the ancients agree, brother Toby, said my father, that there are two
different and distinct kinds of love, according to the different parts
which are affected by it--the Brain or Liver--I think when a man is in
love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen
into.

What signifies it, brother Shandy, replied my uncle Toby, which of the two
it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a
few children?

--A few children! cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking
full in my mother's face, as he forced his way betwixt her's and doctor
Slop's--a few children! cried my father, repeating my uncle Toby's words as
he walk'd to and fro--

--Not, my dear brother Toby, cried my father, recovering himself all at
once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle Toby's chair--not that I
should be sorry hadst thou a score--on the contrary, I should rejoice--and
be as kind, Toby, to every one of them as a father--

My uncle Toby stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my
father's a squeeze--

--Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle Toby's hand--so
much dost thou possess, my dear Toby, of the milk of human nature, and so
little of its asperities--'tis piteous the world is not peopled by
creatures which resemble thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, added my
father, heating himself with his new project--I would oblige thee, provided
it would not impair thy strength--or dry up thy radical moisture too fast--
or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother Toby, which these gymnics
inordinately taken are apt to do--else, dear Toby, I would procure thee the
most beautiful woman in my empire, and I would oblige thee, nolens, volens,
to beget for me one subject every month--

As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence--my mother took a
pinch of snuff.

Now I would not, quoth my uncle Toby, get a child, nolens, volens, that is,
whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon earth--

--And 'twould be cruel in me, brother Toby, to compel thee; said my father-
-but 'tis a case put to shew thee, that it is not thy begetting a child--in
case thou should'st be able--but the system of Love and Marriage thou goest
upon, which I would set thee right in--

There is at least, said Yorick, a great deal of reason and plain sense in
captain Shandy's opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill-spent hours of
my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many flourishing
poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract so much-
-

I wish, Yorick, said my father, you had read Plato; for there you would
have learnt that there are two Loves--I know there were two Religions,
replied Yorick, amongst the ancients--one--for the vulgar, and another for
the learned;--but I think One Love might have served both of them very
well--

I could not; replied my father--and for the same reasons:  for of these
Loves, according to Ficinus's comment upon Velasius, the one is rational--

--the other is natural--the first ancient--without mother--where Venus had
nothing to do:  the second, begotten of Jupiter and Dione--

--Pray, brother, quoth my uncle Toby, what has a man who believes in God to
do with this?  My father could not stop to answer, for fear of breaking the
thread of his discourse--

This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of Venus.

The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to love
heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of philosophy
and truth--the second, excites to desire, simply--

--I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world, said
Yorick, as the finding out the longitude--

--To be sure, said my mother, love keeps peace in the world--

--In the house--my dear, I own--

--It replenishes the earth; said my mother--

But it keeps heaven empty--my dear; replied my father.

--'Tis Virginity, cried Slop, triumphantly, which fills paradise.

Well push'd nun! quoth my father.



Chapter 4.LVIII.

My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with him
in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving every one a stroke
to remember him by in his turn--that if there were twenty people in
company--in less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of 'em
against him.

What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally, was,
that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he would be
sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he was once
there, he would defend it so gallantly, that 'twould have been a concern,
either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him driven out.

Yorick, for this reason, though he would often attack him--yet could never
bear to do it with all his force.

Doctor Slop's Virginity, in the close of the last chapter, had got him for
once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all
the convents in Christendom about Slop's ears, when corporal Trim came into
the parlour to inform my uncle Toby, that his thin scarlet breeches, in
which the attack was to be made upon Mrs. Wadman, would not do; for that
the taylor, in ripping them up, in order to turn them, had found they had
been turn'd before--Then turn them again, brother, said my father, rapidly,
for there will be many a turning of 'em yet before all's done in the
affair--They are as rotten as dirt, said the corporal--Then by all means,
said my father, bespeak a new pair, brother--for though I know, continued
my father, turning himself to the company, that widow Wadman has been
deeply in love with my brother Toby for many years, and has used every art
and circumvention of woman to outwit him into the same passion, yet now
that she has caught him--her fever will be pass'd its height--

--She has gained her point.

In this case, continued my father, which Plato, I am persuaded, never
thought of--Love, you see, is not so much a Sentiment as a Situation, into
which a man enters, as my brother Toby would do, into a corps--no matter
whether he loves the service or no--being once in it--he acts as if he did;
and takes every step to shew himself a man of prowesse.

The hypothesis, like the rest of my father's, was plausible enough, and my
uncle Toby had but a single word to object to it--in which Trim stood ready
to second him--but my father had not drawn his conclusion--

For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over again)--
notwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs. Wadman affects my brother
Toby--and my brother Toby contrariwise affects Mrs. Wadman, and no obstacle
in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night, yet will I
answer for it, that this self-same tune will not be play'd this
twelvemonth.

We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle Toby, looking up
interrogatively in Trim's face.

I would lay my Montero-cap, said Trim--Now Trim's Montero-cap, as I once
told you, was his constant wager; and having furbish'd it up that very
night, in order to go upon the attack--it made the odds look more
considerable--I would lay, an' please your honour, my Montero-cap to a
shilling--was it proper, continued Trim (making a bow), to offer a wager
before your honours--

--There is nothing improper in it, said my father--'tis a mode of
expression; for in saying thou would'st lay thy Montero-cap to a shilling--
all thou meanest is this--that thou believest--

--Now, What do'st thou believe?

That widow Wadman, an' please your worship, cannot hold it out ten days--

And whence, cried Slop, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of woman,
friend?

By falling in love with a popish clergy-woman; said Trim.

'Twas a Beguine, said my uncle Toby.

Doctor Slop was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and my
father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the whole
order of Nuns and Beguines, a set of silly, fusty, baggages--Slop could not
stand it--and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his
breeches--and Yorick about his fourth general division--in order for their
several attacks next day--the company broke up:  and my father being left
alone, and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time; he
called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the following
letter of instructions:

My dear brother Toby,

What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of love-
making to them; and perhaps it is as well for thee--tho' not so well for
me--that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head,
and that I am able to write it to thee.

Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots--and thou no
sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou should'st have
dipp'd the pen this moment into the ink, instead of myself; but that not
being the case--Mrs. Shandy being now close beside me, preparing for bed--I
have thrown together without order, and just as they have come into my
mind, such hints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intending,
in this, to give thee a token of my love; not doubting, my dear Toby, of
the manner in which it will be accepted.

In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the
affair--though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I begin
to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, notwithstanding thy
unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou neglectest--yet I would
remind thee of one (during the continuance of thy courtship) in a
particular manner, which I would not have omitted; and that is, never to go
forth upon the enterprize, whether it be in the morning or the afternoon,
without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God, that
he may defend thee from the evil one.

Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five
days, but oftner if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her,
thro' absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut
away by Time--how much by Trim.

--'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.

Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, Toby--

'That women are timid:'  And 'tis well they are--else there would be no
dealing with them.

Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs, like
the trunk-hose of our ancestors.

--A just medium prevents all conclusions.

Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in a
low soft tone of voice.  Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves dreams
of midnight secrecy into the brain:  For this cause, if thou canst help it,
never throw down the tongs and poker.

Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her,
and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep her from all
books and writings which tend thereto:  there are some devotional tracts,
which if thou canst entice her to read over--it will be well:  but suffer
her not to look into Rabelais, or Scarron, or Don Quixote--

--They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby,
that there is no passion so serious as lust.

Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour.

And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with her, and she
gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers--beware of taking it--thou
canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper of thine.
Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by
so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not
conquered by that, and thy Asse continues still kicking, which there is
great reason to suppose--Thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of
blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians,
who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means.

Avicenna, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of
hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges--and I believe rightly.  But
thou must eat little or no goat's flesh, nor red deer--nor even foal's
flesh by any means; and carefully abstain--that is, as much as thou canst,
from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hens--

As for thy drink--I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of Vervain
and the herb Hanea, of which Aelian relates such effects--but if thy
stomach palls with it--discontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers,
melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of
them.

There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at present--

--Unless the breaking out of a fresh war--So wishing every thing, dear
Toby, for best,

I rest thy affectionate brother,

Walter Shandy.



Chapter 4.LIX.

Whilst my father was writing his letter of instructions, my uncle Toby and
the corporal were busy in preparing every thing for the attack.  As the
turning of the thin scarlet breeches was laid aside (at least for the
present), there was nothing which should put it off beyond the next
morning; so accordingly it was resolv'd upon, for eleven o'clock.

Come, my dear, said my father to my mother--'twill be but like a brother
and sister, if you and I take a walk down to my brother Toby's--to
countenance him in this attack of his.

My uncle Toby and the corporal had been accoutred both some time, when my
father and mother enter'd, and the clock striking eleven, were that moment
in motion to sally forth--but the account of this is worth more than to be
wove into the fag end of the eighth (Alluding to the first edition.) volume
of such a work as this.--My father had no time but to put the letter of
instructions into my uncle Toby's coat-pocket--and join with my mother in
wishing his attack prosperous.

I could like, said my mother, to look through the key-hole out of
curiosity--Call it by its right name, my dear, quoth my father--

And look through the key-hole as long as you will.
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