WASHINGTON -- A few weeks ago, I suggested some reasons why Mitt Romney wont release any more back tax returns -- that they would reveal that his real name is Tiffani, that his house is equipped with moneybag elevators, etc. A number of readers contended this was evidence of some supposed bias of mine against Republicans and other reactionary lunatics.
Several letter writers challenged me to prove my objectivity by doing a similar hit job on President Obama, who, they noted, hasnt released his college transcripts.
Frankly, this seems to me a more excusable omission. College is a time for personal experimentation, which, in my case, was conducted on the scale of the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. I recently found my college transcript; it was so filled with incompletes and withdrawals that it might as well have noted that I majored in narcotics.
So, wheres the big, impending surprise? Academic records are always a little embarrassing for candidates. During the 2000 presidential primaries, it was revealed that Bill Bradley -- Rhodes scholar, Princeton graduate, famously obnoxious know-it-all -- had gotten a score of 485 out of 800 on the verbal portion of his SATs. As I wrote at the time, thats roughly what a chicken would get, pecking at a keyboard.
Mostly, though, I dont think its relevant, or fair, to start flinging around accusations about college transcripts. But then I discovered that a conservative website is actually offering a $35,000 bounty for Obamas. This doesnt appear to be a joke. I say that with confidence because the rest of the site is as funny as an aneurysm. (Mission statement: We are here to ensure Americas survival.) The site features a two-minute, slo-mo video of Islamic radicals cutting off a mans head.
Anyway, 35 grand is 35 grand. And it just so happens that I have exclusively obtained Obamas college transcripts, and its quite clear why he doesnt want them released. Ill just give you the highlights:
-- His birth name isnt Barack Hussein Obama Jr. As politically problematic as that pseudonym proved to be, it turns out it is a significant improvement on his real name, DeathToAmerica Obama Jr.
-- Each page of the transcript has a stamp in Arabic. It translates to: Never to be released under penalty of death, by order of the caliphate ...
-- His college loan application was co-signed by Idi Amin.
-- Several of his grades were changed from C to A, with a handwritten notation: Affirmative Action.
Copyright 2012 Washington Post Writers Group