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Doesn't Want Busybody To Steal The Show; Hopes His Son Doesn't Turn Out Like Him

Dr. Joyce Brothers

Dear Dr. Brothers: I am a happily retired 67-year-old college professor. I'm starting up a community theater group with a few friends to have a little fun putting on some plays. The problem is, I live in a very small town, and I just know the neighborhood busybody -- who wants to make everything a political statement -- is going to want to be involved. It will not be fun with her involvement. How can I say no without being the bad guy? -- V.I.

Dear V.I.: This is quite a problem -- most community startup efforts are begging for help and happy to take it wherever they can get it! Yet I understand your problem. It really does take only one or two participants who are working at cross-purposes or with their own separate agenda to turn your pet project into a nightmare. So you must be prepared with a strategy to deal with this busybody, and it is good to know that you are anticipating her moves and getting ready to thwart them as best you can. I know how easy it would be to have your whole program sidetracked by one individual if you are not prepared to use a few moves that will render her harmless.

This might not include a blunt, "No, you can't help us in any way." If it did, you wouldn't be seeking strategies to brush her off without facing unpleasant repercussions later. Or maybe you just want to be a nice guy. So, here's my idea: Be prepared with a job she can do, one that will use her extensive "busybody" contacts, such as selling ads for a program. Or isolate her by asking her to put together mailing lists from her home computer. Putting up posters all over town also would keep her out of your hair. Or ask her to design a Web site and handle the online ticket sales. The key is to hand her a bunch of tasks that will keep her away from you before she can ask for the moon on a silver platter. Then assign her a liaison who isn't you!

Dear Dr. Brothers: I strongly suspect my son is cheating on his wife of 15 years. I've seen him in town twice with this young, attractive girl who he says is a friend of his from work. They look like more than just friends. I want to say something to him, but I feel very hypocritical. The reason my wife divorced me years ago was because I was having an affair, and my son is well aware of this. I don't want my boy to make the same mistakes I did. -- J.J.

Dear J.J.: It is a very painful thing when we discover -- or just suspect -- that the fairy-tale romance we envisoned for our child is not going to have that fairy-tale ending. We want only the best for our children, and a large part of that is to have a happy marriage with the right partner. It is almost easier to take when we suspect that our son or daughter is being cheated on -- for that leaves them the blameless victim. But when we see them following in our misguided footprints, we tend to agonize even more. Besides reliving our own mistakes, we wish we could have somehow imparted the knowledge and values that would save our children from themselves.

I can understand why you didn't feel comfortable talking to your son about fidelity years ago, or why you didn't want to bring up what happened between you and his mother. Kids don't always take to hearing these personal details about their parents, and you and your ex-wife's story may re-open old wounds for your son. But now that he is a husband seemingly heading down the same destructive path you took, there's no reason not to have a talk with him. He may find it a game-changer. Just be aware that he may react with anger or may distance himself from you. But if you think it's worth the risk, just do it.

(c) 2009 by King Features Syndicate

Copyright: (c) 2009 by King Features Syndicate

This news arrived on: 11/21/2009

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