James Dobson - Focus on the Family - Column by Dr. James Dobson

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Focus on the Family with Dr. James Dobson

Dr. James Dobson

A MOVE CAN BE A GREAT EXPERIENCE FOR FAMILIES

QUESTION: We're going to move to another state in a few months. I know it's going to be tough for Chuck and Marcie, who have so many little friends at school. How can I get them ready for life in a new city?

DR. DOBSON: Moving to a new school or a new town can be an unpleasant experience for children, but there are some ways to make it easier for them.

Preparation and forethought are the keys. Educator Cheri Fuller recommends those who are about to relocate to call a family meeting to talk about what's going to happen. Begin to lay plans together. It's sad to say goodbye to good friends and it's hard to make new ones. Try establishing pen pals for your children in the new school long before the move is to occur. Relationships can blossom through the mail so that the kids are not entirely unknown in the new location.

It's also helpful to create curiosity about the new city or neighborhood you're moving to. I'd encourage you to take full advantage of the Internet since every Chamber of Commerce has a website. Representatives of these organizations will welcome your request for additional information. When your children begin to understand the adventure of moving, they may develop a more positive attitude toward leaving. A bit of preparation and a healthy dose of communication can help clear the way for a smoother journey to a new home.

QUESTION: Why can't parents get children to obey just by explaining what they want them to do? Why is it so often necessary to punish or raise our voices to get them to cooperate? Why can't they just accept a few reasonable rules and avoid all that conflict? It just doesn't add up to me.

DR. DOBSON: After working with children for years, I'm convinced that their challenging behavior is motivated in part by the desire for power that lies deep within the human spirit. From a very early age, they just don't want anyone telling them what to do. They are also great admirers of strength and courage. Maybe this is why mythical characters like Superman, Robin Hood and Wonder Woman have been so prominent in the folklore of children. Perhaps it is also why kids brag that "My dad can beat up your dad!"? (One child said in reply, "That's nothing, my mom can beat up my dad, too!")

It is a fact that most boys, and some girls, care about the issue of "who's toughest." Whenever a youngster moves into a new neighborhood or a new school district, he often has to fight, either verbally or physically, to establish himself on the hierarchy of strength. There is usually a "top dog" in a group of children who bosses everyone else around. There is also a little defeated pup at the bottom of the heap who takes the brunt of everyone's abuse. And each child between those extremes usually knows where he or she ranks in relation to the others.

I believe this admiration for power also makes children want to know how tough their leaders are. They will occasionally disobey adults for the precise purpose of testing their determination and courage. Thus, whether you are a parent or grandparent or Boy Scout leader or bus driver or Brownie leader or a school teacher, I can guarantee that sooner or later, one of the children under your authority will clench his little fist and challenge your leadership. He will convey this message by his disobedient manner: "I don't think you are tough enough to make me do what you say." The way you handle that confrontation is being watched closely by every child in the group. Your reaction will determine how soon another occurs and with what intensity it is driven.

Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from "Solid Answers" and "Bringing Up Boys," both published by Tyndale House.

COPYRIGHT 2008 JAMES DOBSON INC. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of uclick and Universal Press Syndicate.

This news arrived on: 05/04/2008

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