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Divorced Mother Needs Dad's Support

Sylvia Rimm

Q: I have a 16-year-old son and have been divorced from his father for 12 years. He lives with his dad in town one week and then with me 10 miles out in the country. We've always had a great relationship, and for the most part, he's been easygoing and fun-loving. He's very social and is obsessed with texting on his cell phone, which was a gift from his dad because I can't afford cell phones and we don't get service at our house.

On Sunday morning, I had 45 minutes to get ready for church where I play the organ. The church is 30 minutes away in the opposite direction of his school town. He announced that he wasn't going because he had to go to town to work on a homecoming float with his friends. I told him he couldn't because he didn't give me time to make the arrangements to get him there (he's a few weeks away from getting his driver's license). Besides, we were going to church (his dad doesn't attend church.) We argued a little. I ended up telling him if he didn't go with me to church, he was grounded. He didn't go.

When I got home, he had left a note on the door that he went to his dad's. He now says he's staying there and never coming back to my house. Of course, this breaks my heart because I want to be in my son's life. My question is, what do you suggest I do?

A: You have an extremely difficult dilemma here, and you will need your ex-husband's support to encourage your son's continued living in the country with you. The custody agreement has no doubt insisted on your arrangement, but very few kids like moving every week. It's less problematic for them if the parents live near each other. Also, consider that most adolescents like to spend lots of time with their peers who are more readily available in town. They also love cell phones to communicate with friends.

If your son's father insists on the living arrangement you've had in the past, he may convince your son to continue. If your ex-husband doesn't insist, and takes the case to the court to adjust the living arrangement, the court is likely to take your son's preference seriously. The court could require him to spend more time with you in the summer or on holidays, but I doubt if they would insist on the relationship you now have if both father and son oppose it.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what else you could have done about your plans for church. If your son joined a youth group at your church and enjoyed making friends with the teens in the group, that might convince him to visit more often. When parents are united, it is nevertheless challenging to guide teens; but when they are not, it can feel almost impossible. It's worthwhile exploring alternatives with your former husband, or making other arrangements where you can spend more time with your son.

Don't ever close the door on him. Remind him that you love him and that you want to spend time with him and hope that his love for you brings him back for many more visits. Punishing or grounding him won't have any positive effect, so that's not an alternative unless his father also agrees to the same consequence.

For a free newsletter about Growing Up Too Fast -- High School, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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This news arrived on: 11/22/2009

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