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Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar work together on "Annie's Mailbox," a unique advice column written for the modern reader. The two began their ...
Read more about Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar work together on "Annie's Mailbox," a unique advice column written for the modern reader. The two began their ...
Read more about Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.
Annie's Mailbox
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: I married "Dean" nine years ago. It was a second marriage
for both of us. Soon after we wed, he said we would split all expenses
50-50. However, the house is in his name, and he will not put my name
on the deed since I can't match "his" down payment, even though I pay
him rent each month.
Everything we do, I have to pay half. He and his teenage son went on a two-week vacation, and I couldn't go because I couldn't afford my share. Today I am really steamed because he took a group of friends out to lunch and paid for them. But when we go out, I have to pay my own way. He lavishes money on his only child and donates to civic organizations, but I get nothing. He only gives me a gift when I give him one of equal value.
We have no joint accounts. I currently have a large debt, so I am pretty strapped, but in two years that will be paid off. I feel like a second-class citizen. I know Dean loves me -- but I come after his son, his job, his employees, his computer and his civic organizations. His bank accounts are getting fatter, and I am barely scraping by. Is this a marriage or a lord/serf relationship? -- Indentured Servant
Dear Servant: It sounds like a lopsided business arrangement. It's certainly not our idea of a loving marriage where partners should take care of each other instead of sending them a bill for expenses. A good partnership is 50-50, but the contribution doesn't have to be money. It can mean household chores, child care, etc. And when one partner has a higher income and fewer debts than the other, it is unfair to expect an equal financial arrangement. Dean is treating you as an inferior, and it is building resentment. Tell him the marriage is in serious trouble and you'd like to go for counseling. If he won't go, go without him. You might also want to see an attorney. Having everything in his name puts you in a risky position.
Dear Annie: My husband passed away 18 years ago. On the anniversary of his passing, I put a memorial notice in our local paper.
Now I have been told this was in bad taste. My feelings are hurt, and I wonder if I did something wrong. What is your opinion? -- Still Remembering Him
Dear Remembering: It is perfectly proper to put in a memorial notice if you so wish. Stop worrying. You did nothing wrong.
Dear Annie: I had some bad memories rise up to the surface when I read the letter from "Mother of a Tomboy." My paternal grandmother always expected me to look and act like a perfect little lady. Every time my brother and I went to see her, she thought it was her duty to wash and roll up my hair. She made me wear those awful curlers all day, fussing at me when I lost one after playing with my brother. Before we left, she would finally take out the curlers, fix my hair in an old-fashioned hairstyle and lacquer it down with tons of hairspray.
Nothing I ever wore was feminine enough. My weight was never right, and she didn't like me to eat too much of anything, including fruit. I begged Mom to make Granny stop doing my hair, and she finally did. Although years later, she got her revenge when she convinced me to let her give me a perm and accidentally burned half my hair off.
Fortunately, I learned to like myself fine as I am. That grandmother should enjoy her tomboy granddaughter and not create terrible memories like the ones I have. -- Lubbock, Texas
Dear Lubbock: If your grandmother had known how negatively you would remember her, we trust she would have done things differently.
Dear Readers: Today is Mother-in-Law Day. Please give yours a call.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Copyright 2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 10/25/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-26-2009 04:51
Me again wrote:
When did this become EOE's (exactly onorous example's) column?
10-25-2009 21:23
Brenda wrote:
Servant
The husband treats her like a roommate or business partner not a wife. He does not love her. She needs to be strong and move on as much as she loves him and as hard as it may be if he cared about her he would help her even if all she could give him was her love.
10-25-2009 21:19
Di, in Ky. wrote:
Still Remembering
I think it's sweet that you remember your husband with the notice in the paper on the anniversary of his death. Unless donations are being solicited or improper suggestions of some sort are included in the notice, I have no clue how this could possibly be considered to be in bad taste.
Hugs to you!
Hugs to you!
10-25-2009 13:37
scrappy indiana wrote:
sharing
I was in a long term relationship where we earned unequally. When we met, I was in debt and had spent a year earning less than half my usual salary. At that time we moved in together, and I paid what I could.
As my salary went up, we still split all expenses according to our incomes. It came out to about 60-40. When we broke up, we did argue about the house...I had had no money towards the down payment and initial purchase and therefore was a "renter." He did give me a small sum of his profit when he sold the house. (this was after we broke up.) He tried to be fair I believe and I always felt equal until the fight about the house.
The letter writer might want to watch a movie called, "The Joy Luck Club," about Chinese and Chinese American women. I am reminded of the woman whose husband behaved in the same manner. Love does not put a price tag on gifts or living expenses. The list of all the things the wife comes after makes me wonder how much "love" her husband has left by the time he gets to her.
As my salary went up, we still split all expenses according to our incomes. It came out to about 60-40. When we broke up, we did argue about the house...I had had no money towards the down payment and initial purchase and therefore was a "renter." He did give me a small sum of his profit when he sold the house. (this was after we broke up.) He tried to be fair I believe and I always felt equal until the fight about the house.
The letter writer might want to watch a movie called, "The Joy Luck Club," about Chinese and Chinese American women. I am reminded of the woman whose husband behaved in the same manner. Love does not put a price tag on gifts or living expenses. The list of all the things the wife comes after makes me wonder how much "love" her husband has left by the time he gets to her.
10-25-2009 12:38
East of Eden wrote:
Lubbock
What gives, Annie? Were you too lazy or busy to actually pay attention to what the letter-writer said. Talk about a brush-off answer. To the letter-writer: congratulations on getting over your grandmother's influence. I, for one, doubt that she would do things differently. I am sure she knew that you hated what she did. Annie's answer was bogus and dismissive.
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