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Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar work together on "Annie's Mailbox," a unique advice column written for the modern reader. The two began their ...
Read more about Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar work together on "Annie's Mailbox," a unique advice column written for the modern reader. The two began their ...
Read more about Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.
Annie's Mailbox
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: I love my boyfriend. He's a superb partner. He is,
however, the laid-back type or, depending on how you look at it, just
plain lazy. Since I am a bit high strung, I appreciate how easygoing
he is, but when it comes to our finances, I am bothered by his lack of
get-up-and-go.
I have always made the bulk of our income. He thinks that we should share our finances and consult each other before major purchases (not unreasonable, I know), but I'm not sure this is fair since the "sharing" is always from my pocket to his. His employers love him, but they've recently cut his hours for economic reasons. Although he says he's looking for additional work, he isn't looking very hard. He no longer makes enough to cover his half of the bills.
I want to stay with him, so my question is more about strategy. Do I just have to accept the situation and share equally? Would it be better to divide our financial responsibilities so he has to face the reality that he doesn't bring in enough? Am I being unreasonable to think he should earn close to what I do?
My father always supported my mother, and though I know those days are over, I object to being the primary breadwinner and want him to do his part. Any suggestions? -- Barb in Boston
Dear Barb: You are being slightly unreasonable if you intend to stay with this man, because he is never going to be the ambitious wage earner you think he should be. When there is a discrepancy in income between partners, it is common to divide expenses accordingly. If he makes 20 percent less than you, it is unfair for him to pay 50 percent of all the bills. Either accept him as he is, knowing that you will forever be the primary breadwinner, or find someone more suited to your sense of equality.
Dear Annie: My wife and I like to take our favorite wine to our favorite bistro. We are happy to pay the $15 corkage fee. However, when it is time to check out, we do not feel that we need to include the corkage fee or any applicable taxes in our tip calculations. Neither amount has anything to do with the server's performance.
We would appreciate your input. -- L.L.
Dear L.L.: The corkage fee does not benefit the server, only the restaurant. You get the use of the bistro's glasses, decanters, ice buckets, whatever, not to mention the service of the waitstaff to pour the wine and keep an eye on whether or not you need a refill. (Extremely generous patrons will actually tip on the cost of the wine bottle they would have ordered had they not brought their own.)
Dear Annie: Your response to "Kansas Bride," whose husband kept trying to touch her breasts in public, almost made me laugh out loud. You told her he is a case of arrested development and said he should outgrow it in time.
Here is the fact women need to face: Men do not grow out of juvenile high jinks like this. I am 60, have been married for 40 years and still want to touch my wife's breasts every chance I get, both in public and at home. She works as a nurse at a nursing home, and the men there still want to touch women inappropriately. Most men on their deathbeds are still thinking about touching a woman's breasts.
Sorry to say, he is not going to outgrow it. (P.S.: I love your column.) -- Gatlinburg, Tenn.
Dear Gatlinburg: Thanks. A man's sexual thoughts aren't as important as what he does about them. He should be able to control himself sufficiently so he doesn't actually touch his wife inappropriately in public. That is the juvenile behavior we mean. Regardless of what is going on in his head, we expect him to treat his wife with respect.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Copyright 2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 10/17/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-19-2009 09:48
blueeyes81900 wrote:
Barb in Boston
Your advice was way off. If this couple were married it would be a different story. Until the vows are spoken the boyfriend is pretty much a roomate with benefits and so is responsible for 50% of the bills. Bard should keep a running tab of what he hasn't paid and remind him every once-in-a-while what the total is. He needs to find different employment or a second job to fulfill his financial obligations.
10-17-2009 16:09
PA Transplant wrote:
Barb in Boston
I agree with EoE on this one. She knew what he was like when they moved in together. If she didn't and found out later then she had a decision to make...stay and live with it or move out and let him take care of himself.
When I was working I made more than my husband. We put all the money together, paid all the bills, and then discussed what to do with the leftovers. If one of us needed something that was the one who got it. Sometimes it was me sometimes him. Now I no longer work but we still do what we've always done...pay the bills then discuss what to do if there is any leftover. It has worked for us for 35 years.
When I was working I made more than my husband. We put all the money together, paid all the bills, and then discussed what to do with the leftovers. If one of us needed something that was the one who got it. Sometimes it was me sometimes him. Now I no longer work but we still do what we've always done...pay the bills then discuss what to do if there is any leftover. It has worked for us for 35 years.
10-17-2009 14:35
Lorrainepittsfld wrote:
Barb ib Boston
My advice to you is he should contribute his fair share. If you moved out he'd have tp pay for all the bills, so he should pay for half. If he has to take a second job, so be it. Or you could work it where he does ALL the housework to make up for his lack of financial fair input. I pay all the bills so my husband and roommate do most of the housework. If the arrangement doesn't work out with your boyfriend, then you already know what kind of husband and father he will be. Cut your losses and move on.
10-17-2009 10:56
East of Eden wrote:
Greens
The reason your situation works is because you and your husband behave in a mature manner. I know several couples in which the wife is the breadwinner and they have no problems with it - it is what it is and in this day and age, the idea of the man being the main breadwinner is obsolete (and rightly so).
The woman who wrote the letter came across as petulant and shallow. She knew all of this BEFORE she and he moved in together and now she's complaining. It sounds very much like she wants her cake and to eat it, too. She believe in equal opportunity and doesn't want to live her mother's life but, at the same time, she doesn't go for the idea of a woman being the primary breadwinner.
Fortunately - you and your husband are reasonable and have made your situation work. For decades, even if a wife worked, her wages were far less than her husband's. Women's liberation changed all that and I see nothing wrong with a wife being the primary breadwinner.
The woman who wrote the letter came across as petulant and shallow. She knew all of this BEFORE she and he moved in together and now she's complaining. It sounds very much like she wants her cake and to eat it, too. She believe in equal opportunity and doesn't want to live her mother's life but, at the same time, she doesn't go for the idea of a woman being the primary breadwinner.
Fortunately - you and your husband are reasonable and have made your situation work. For decades, even if a wife worked, her wages were far less than her husband's. Women's liberation changed all that and I see nothing wrong with a wife being the primary breadwinner.
10-17-2009 10:42
greens wrote:
barb/eoe
i would be interested to know the ages of these folks. while in my early 20s i was married to my first husband. for 4 years i supported us while he treated his money like a teenager with an allowance. hopefully he grew up at some point in life. now i don't think it's shallow to want some help keeping the lights on from the other person who is enjoying the use of them!
my point is the issue is different depending upon the income level of the parties. if you are just getting by i think 50-50 is reasonable. if you are more comfortable, i don't think it matters much. my sister and i both make considerably more than our husbands and as such pay more of the bills and it has never been an issue in either of our relationships.
my point is the issue is different depending upon the income level of the parties. if you are just getting by i think 50-50 is reasonable. if you are more comfortable, i don't think it matters much. my sister and i both make considerably more than our husbands and as such pay more of the bills and it has never been an issue in either of our relationships.
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