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Author Bio:
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar work together on "Annie's Mailbox," a unique advice column written for the modern reader. The two began their ...
Read more about Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar work together on "Annie's Mailbox," a unique advice column written for the modern reader. The two began their ...
Read more about Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar.
Annie's Mailbox
Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar
Dear Annie: My husband seems to be the "go to" guy in his family. He
used to do carpentry work, and now his three siblings call on him for
all their repair needs. He is asked to fix broken windows, install
appliances and everything in between.
One of his sisters is quite wealthy. She lives out of state but owns property in our area. My husband keeps her apartments rented, hires painters, answers maintenance calls at any hour and does general upkeep. For these services, he receives nothing. Not one of his siblings has ever offered to pay him for work that, over the years, has saved them thousands of dollars. At the very least, wouldn't most people send a gift card for a free dinner?
I know my husband is at fault for never saying no, but his family is so domineering that he doesn't want to make waves. Our home needs work, too, but his time is taken away due to his siblings' demands. What makes people feel they are entitled to these services for free? All of them can afford to pay someone else to do the work. We are the ones who are not well off, yet we are catering to them, and they have yet to reciprocate with kindness or time for our family. The favors are totally one-sided. How can I help my husband get out of this mess? -- Seething
Dear Seething: Your husband must be willing to do this on his own. The easiest way is to make himself too busy to be so accommodating. That can mean joining a bowling league, basketball team, civic organization or church volunteer group, or even starting a small business as a part-time handyman. Then, when the relatives call, he can honestly say, "Sorry, but I'm too busy now. You should hire someone." Of course, if he refuses to do this, you'll have to make the best of it. He has to grow his own backbone.
Dear Annie: My brother's wife, "Brandy," is a compulsive liar. My family chooses to ignore it. At a recent family gathering, however, the conversation turned to politics, and Brandy and I had a heated argument. She contradicted herself multiple times, and when I accused her of lying, she stormed out of the house.
I phoned the next day and left a message saying I hadn't intended to upset her and we simply both have strong opinions. Later that afternoon, she sent me an e-mail claiming she never said those things and wants nothing to do with our family.
My parents contacted my brother, and Brandy apologized to them. My brother said he would continue to have a relationship with my parents, but not with me or my husband and child. I was going to call Brandy and tell her I accept that apology, too, but the more I think about it, the less I believe I can sit through family dinners with her.
How do I get past this? I miss my brother. -- Feeling Empty Inside
Dear Feeling Empty: Brandy may have a vague relationship with the truth, but confronting her only creates hard feelings and estrangements. You don't have to like every member of your family, but if you want to see your brother, you should make an effort to get along with his wife or, at the very least, not let her opinions get under your skin. There are repercussions when you accuse someone of lying, and one of them is that you need to swallow your pride and apologize to your sister-in-law for upsetting her.
Dear Annie: I am responding to "A Dad," who would like his daughter to be more active. Has he considered offering her dance lessons?
Dancing is a wonderful way to gain physical strength, enjoy music and develop physical confidence in a noncompetitive environment. -- Still Dancing at 62
Dear Still Dancing: Several readers suggested the girl take up dancing, and we think it's an excellent idea -- provided, of course, that she has some interest in it.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
Copyright 2009 Creators Syndicate Inc.
This news arrived on: 10/13/2009
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Posted Comments:
10-13-2009 17:07
PA Transplant wrote:
I read the column for EoE's comments.
I don't read the column for sound advise. Sometimes the question/problem posed is so stupid I wonder how the writer is able to make it through life.
I read it to have a good laugh to start the day. Their advise is sadly comical.
I wonder if the Annie's or higher-up's monitor the comments section. They might learn something if they did.
I don't read the column for sound advise. Sometimes the question/problem posed is so stupid I wonder how the writer is able to make it through life.
I read it to have a good laugh to start the day. Their advise is sadly comical.
I wonder if the Annie's or higher-up's monitor the comments section. They might learn something if they did.
10-13-2009 15:30
scrappy indiana wrote:
brother with no backbone
I, too, enjoy hearing from E-o-E. You are wise and willing to consider other viewpoints, both invaluable qualities.
I, too, wondered if they had finished reading the letter. It seems the reason they were suggesting the alternate activities was to give a ready reason why he is not available. He could simply say, "Sorry, I've got to put a sink in MY bathroom," or whatever the next task at his home is. Maybe he is retired so the siblings figure he's free anyway...
I just reflect on my own family. My brothers both have skills and talents I do not when it comes to home and auto repairs. One brother lives 200 miles away. When he comes to town he always wants to help...if he won't take cash, I insist on buying him dinner.
I am a grown woman. I would never expect them to work for me for free. When we were kids, when I was a poor college student, sure. It is rude and thoughtless to never consider another person's skills and time as valuable.
Oh, and good suggestion Shana. Maybe the hot, young handyman would light a fire under the husband to tend to his chores at home.
I, too, wondered if they had finished reading the letter. It seems the reason they were suggesting the alternate activities was to give a ready reason why he is not available. He could simply say, "Sorry, I've got to put a sink in MY bathroom," or whatever the next task at his home is. Maybe he is retired so the siblings figure he's free anyway...
I just reflect on my own family. My brothers both have skills and talents I do not when it comes to home and auto repairs. One brother lives 200 miles away. When he comes to town he always wants to help...if he won't take cash, I insist on buying him dinner.
I am a grown woman. I would never expect them to work for me for free. When we were kids, when I was a poor college student, sure. It is rude and thoughtless to never consider another person's skills and time as valuable.
Oh, and good suggestion Shana. Maybe the hot, young handyman would light a fire under the husband to tend to his chores at home.
10-13-2009 11:06
Shana wrote:
Seething
.... And the cobbler's children go barefoot.
Good grief, this dude SOOOO needs to learn to say "Sorry, but I've got my own fish to fry." and offer the phone number of a reliable professional for the task in question.
His siblings are taking horrible advantage of his allergy to conflict or desire to be seen as the good guy and must cut it out.
The wife's hands are a bit tied, but I bet if she started hiring a buff young handyman to tend to some of the work that's gone wanting at home, her husband would find the time to start checking off items on the Honey Do list.
Good grief, this dude SOOOO needs to learn to say "Sorry, but I've got my own fish to fry." and offer the phone number of a reliable professional for the task in question.
His siblings are taking horrible advantage of his allergy to conflict or desire to be seen as the good guy and must cut it out.
The wife's hands are a bit tied, but I bet if she started hiring a buff young handyman to tend to some of the work that's gone wanting at home, her husband would find the time to start checking off items on the Honey Do list.
10-13-2009 11:05
karen wrote:
I too only read this because of E of E:-) I look forward to reading the replies from him.
10-13-2009 09:58
greens wrote:
seething
the ladies were right about one thing-he has to be willing to do this on his own. the woman and her husband have to get on the same page. the occasional help is reasonable, but being the property manager for investment property is over the top! i think the standard rate for this type service is about 15% of the rent. this is what i would charge sis can pay someone else to do it. again, i suggest the book Boundaries. i chime in with everyone else that joining a bowling league is not the solution.
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