We have discovered a secret dark-web memo sent from the Minnesota Vikings to Aaron Rodgers. It is shocking. Shocking, I say.
Aaron: Nice work. And the hair looks Fabio-lous. Our plan is on track. But we have a request.
Yes, we want you to destroy the Green Bay Packers from within, like green mold. We know how divisive and conflicted a locker room can become. We kind of wrote the book on the subject. It was not a best-seller.
Heck, we have star players — we are not making this up — who are jeopardizing our season, people's jobs and their own health by refusing to get vaccinated.
I know. Stupid, right?
The coach wants to punch our quarterback, Kirk Cousins, but the general manager may get to Cousins first, and we know the offensive line won't be able to stop either of them.
I mean, George Washington insisted on his troops getting the vaccine for smallpox, otherwise we'd all be speaking a different language today. Using words like "Brilliant!'' and "Spot of bother.''
Anyhoo, we love your intentions, but your approach could use some work.
In general, you've handled your assignment as a Minnesota agent of chaos beautifully. You've angered management, disrupted offseasons and now blown a game without saying anything that can be traced back to us.