Politics, Moderate



Texas Abortion Law Overlooks Our Greatest Threat

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

The only way we can root out those responsible for this witchcraft is to allow sensible, clearheaded citizens to file lawsuits against people they think are witches. And because the Supreme Court didn’t block the Texas abortion law, we now have legal precedent to proceed with citizen enforcement of anti-witch laws, awarding $10,001 for every successful lawsuit.

To get everyone ready to file a steady stream of lawsuits against potential practitioners of the dark arts, let’s examine a few modern-day signs of witchcraft or witchlike behavior:

1) Attempting to control another person’s body. This is a telltale sign of witchery. When accused, the enchanter or enchantress will likely attempt to label you a hypocrite for supporting vaccine mandates. Any attempt to explain the difference between a woman’s personal right to make decisions about her own reproductive health and the public health necessity of vaccines will cause you to vanish in a poof of logic, so don’t even bother.

2) Claiming guns should be permitted everywhere while simultaneously saying masks should not be mandated anywhere during a pandemic. Witches are famously unable to see their own hypocrisy.

3) Bursting into flames when they see a person of color voting. Widespread access to voting is the greatest threat to the modern-day witch. If a person shows even the slightest sign of reluctance to making voting easier, you should file a lawsuit under the Federal Witchcraft Protection Act immediately.

4) A complete lack of concern for public opinion. The witches among us are obsessed with doing things sizable majorities of Americans do not want them to do. For example, an April poll by the University of Texas and the Texas Tribune found that 55% of Texans thought abortion laws should either be less restrictive or stay the same. A poll conducted by the same organizations in May found that 59% of Texans opposed the state’s unlicensed carry law. And while Republican Texas lawmakers (likely witches) have bent over backward to prevent mask or vaccine mandates, a July survey by a multi-university group of researchers called The Covid States Project found that 65.8% of Texans favor vaccine mandates. So anyone caught fighting hard against public opinion is likely a witch and should be sued.

The Texas abortion law shields anyone who files a lawsuit against a fellow citizen from potential legal costs should they lose in court. The Federal Witchcraft Protection Act will, of course, do the same. We can’t take any chance when it comes to witches, even if it means clogging the court system with frivolous lawsuits driven by people who fancy themselves crusaders.

I hope you’ll join me in advocating for this new and important legislation. We can’t let our American way of life be fundamentally changed by witches.

As Shakespeare wrote in “Hamlet”:


“ ’Tis now the very witching time of night

When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out

Contagion to this world.”

Go sue ’em, folks.


Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at rhuppke@tribune.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)

©2021 Chicago Tribune. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.




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