Politics, Moderate



Texas Abortion Law Overlooks Our Greatest Threat

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

While many are focused on the new abortion law in Texas, which includes a $10,000 incentive for citizens to sue anyone they suspect is “aiding and abetting” an abortion, a significant American problem is being overlooked: witches.

That’s why I come before you today to present the Federal Witchcraft Prevention Act, a piece of legislation that will encourage Americans to police their friends, neighbors and political representatives and, with the promise of a handsome reward, report any actions that might be deemed supernatural.

I’ll get to the details of the act in a moment, but first, let’s examine the toil and trouble in Texas.

The state’s new law bans most abortions after about six weeks of pregnancy, with no exceptions for rape, incest or sexual abuse. It also puts in place a citizen-enforcement mechanism, encouraging Texans to file a lawsuit against anyone they suspect of being involved in any way with an abortion. If such a lawsuit is successful, the person who filed it gets $10,000.

On Wednesday, in a 5-4 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to block the Texas law, even though it effectively violates a woman’s constitutional right to make her own decisions about her pregnancy.

On the same day Texas turned anti-abortion activists into bounty hunters, a slew of other state laws kicked in. There’s one allowing Texans to openly tote handguns without a license or any firearms training, one that restricts voting rights and one that restricts how race and history are taught in schools.


Some might look at these various laws and see a disturbing mix of misogyny, religious zealotry and racism. But I know witchcraft when I see it.

Some might say Republican lawmakers in Texas are attempting to legislatively prop up a patriarchal system that keeps power in the hands of white, Christian people, despite increasing American racial and religious diversity, while tacitly endorsing violence as an acceptable means to that end. But I see witches casting spells over the masses while slipping through keyholes in the dead of night.

That’s where the Federal Witchcraft Prevention Act comes in.

It’s clear a certain portion of the populace has been tricked into believing things that defy logic. How else do you explain denying climate change when there are fire tornadoes in the West, flooded streets and subways in the Northeast and a hurricane-ravaged Louisiana in the South?


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