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A Note of Thanks to the Unvaccinated, From a Very Happy Coronavirus

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

The following missive was transmitted to me via airborne droplets. It claims to be from “a very happy coronavirus.” I have verified its authenticity via a polymerase chain reaction assay or, in this case, essay.

Hi there, human hosts! It’s me, a coronavirus, here to thank all the unvaccinated folks in America for making my life a little easier.

You guys are the best! Sorry if I kill you. It’s really nothing personal, you know? Just doin’ my thing! Viruses, amirite?!?

Anyhoo, before I get too far, a little more about me. I’m the B.1.1.7 variant of SARS-CoV-2, also known as the alpha variant. We alphas are kind of the O.G.’s of coronavirus variants in the United States, first showing up back in December 2020.

Since I got here, some of my buddies mutated into beta and gamma variants, and now we’re joined by the delta variant, which is getting a lot of press because, frankly, IT’S AWESOME. (For us, I mean, not so much for you guys. Infectious as the dickens!)

The delta variant will soon be the dominant strain in the United States, according to your Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an organization we viruses consider a hate group. And you know why that variant is dominant? Because many of you Americans, thankfully, are refusing to get vaccinated.

 

You human types have been wiping viruses like us out for hundreds of years using vaccines (ugh, I shudder even typing that word). So imagine our amazement when a vaccine against us was developed super fast and people started saying, “No, thanks, I won’t be having that.”

HALLELUJAH! It’s mutation:30 somewhere!

Seriously, though, we in the coronavirus community cannot fully express our gratitude. Every time one of us infects a new person, we deliver a short, Oscar-esque speech like this: “First I’d like to thank my SARS-CoV-2 lineage for making me the submicroscopic infectious agent I am today. But most of all, I’d like to thank this host right here for refusing a safe, readily available and wildly effective vaccine that would’ve ended me. It’s because of you, ya big lug, that I am here today, latching my spiky surface proteins to receptors on your healthy cells. Next stop is the ER, baby! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!”

You might be asking yourself, “Why is the virus so excited about this? The pandemic is pretty much over, right?”

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