Dear Rich Person: Please Save the Chicago Tribune. You Will Be a hero. And I Will Mow Your Lawn.
To that end, I can offer only myself. If you buy the paper, I come with it, like a dent in the rear quarter panel of an otherwise pristine used car.
To sweeten the deal, I would be happy to mow your lawn. I would gladly attend any yacht parties you might be hosting, playing the role of server or eye candy, your choice. I will be your friend. I will watch movies with you and engage in robust discussions.
Heck, at this point, if you swoop in and save us, I’ll carve a statue of you from the stone of your choosing.
I love and admire these people I’ve had the honor of working beside for so long. I want what’s best for them, and what’s best for them, conveniently, is also what’s best for Chicago.
Please, anyone rich enough to buy my newspaper, this is a chance to save something important. This is a chance to be a hero.
This is a shot worth taking.
P.S. The lawn mowing offer includes weed whacking, no extra charge.
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