Politics, Moderate

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Politics

Dear Rich Person: Please Save the Chicago Tribune. You Will Be a hero. And I Will Mow Your Lawn.

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

To that end, I can offer only myself. If you buy the paper, I come with it, like a dent in the rear quarter panel of an otherwise pristine used car.

To sweeten the deal, I would be happy to mow your lawn. I would gladly attend any yacht parties you might be hosting, playing the role of server or eye candy, your choice. I will be your friend. I will watch movies with you and engage in robust discussions.

Heck, at this point, if you swoop in and save us, I’ll carve a statue of you from the stone of your choosing.

I love and admire these people I’ve had the honor of working beside for so long. I want what’s best for them, and what’s best for them, conveniently, is also what’s best for Chicago.

Please, anyone rich enough to buy my newspaper, this is a chance to save something important. This is a chance to be a hero.

This is a shot worth taking.

Thanks.

 

— Rex

P.S. The lawn mowing offer includes weed whacking, no extra charge.

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Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at rhuppke@tribune.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)

©2021 Chicago Tribune. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.

 

 

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