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GOP Must Boycott Baseball, Coke and Sll of ‘Woke America’

Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

Like most reasonable Republicans, I will no longer be watching Major League Baseball games. Or drinking Coke products. Or traveling on jets. Or using social media or cellphones or computers or banks.

“Why?” you ask, though I can’t hear you because I’ve burned all communication devices and now live beneath a bridge that does not appear “woke.” It’s simple: I cannot abide any sports league or corporation that involves itself in politics and says things I don’t want to hear.

We have a word for that kind of behavior here in MAGA/GOP circles, and I’ll tell you what that word is as soon as Fox News creates it and puts it on a chyron.

But for now, let’s just call it something simple like “The Tyranny of Communist-Corporate-Wokeism and Anti-American Sports Cancel Culture Inspired by Godless Liberal Heathen Monster-Mobs.”

You probably know that MLB officials decided to move the league’s All-Star Game out of Atlanta because of a new Georgia law that seeks to STOP ALL THE VOTER FRAUD THAT LED TO THE 2020 ELECTION BEING STOLEN FROM PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP. The left-wing denizens of Wokeville say there’s no evidence whatsoever to support claims of voter fraud, to which I say, “Perhaps, but my fellow Republicans have a strong BELIEF that there was voter fraud, and belief always trumps evidence, just ask Bigfoot.”

Besides, it’s not like me and President Trump and every other Republican spent the months leading up to the election saying, without basis, that there would be massive voter fraud. That would be ridiculous.

 

The left’s point is that the Georgia bill is based entirely on a lie and it opens the door for Republican state officials to overturn election results they don’t like and disenfranchise minority voters. To which I say, “NEENER! NEENER! NEENER! IF I CAN’T HEAR YOU I DON’T HAVE TO CONFRONT THE FACT THAT YOU’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT I’M DOING!!”

Anyway, baseball folks got intimated by the woke warriors and public opinion and moved the All-Star Game. Then the Commies at the Atlanta-based Coca-Cola Co. expressed opposition to the voting bill.

That really bonked my berries because I had just finished writing a lengthy piece about the ills of “cancel culture” and was thirsting for a Coke Zero when I heard the news, so, of course, I threw out all my Coke Zero. I went to get a 24-pack of Diet Pepsi, but my Twitter pal @Trump4LifeMAGA34211 told me Pepsi had showed support for Black Lives Matter, so I wound up buying a seven-pack of Burpo Low-Sugar Cola-Like Beverage. AND I LOVE IT, BECAUSE IT’S NOT WOKE AND TASTES ONLY A LITTLE LIKE RADIATOR FLUID!

After quenching my thirst and irreparably burning my esophagus, I started figuring out how I would dramatically change my life to avoid questioning whether my worldview might be wrong.

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