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A transcript from the fly on Mike Pence’s head during the vice-presidential debate

By Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

For about two minutes during Wednesday night’s vice presidential debate, a large, black fly planted itself on Vice President Mike Pence’s white hair.

It may have been the most compelling live television of 2020. A nation in dire need of something good to cling to sat fascinated, wondering if the fly might remain atop Pence’s noggin for the entirety of the debate. Social media lit up with fly jokes. Entomologists, I assume, rejoiced.

I doubt many Americans could understand what that fly was saying during the debate. Our educational system has never prioritized Diptera-as-a-second-language classes. Fortunately, I am fluent in fly, and the winged insect’s comments were picked up clearly on Pence’s microphone.

As a service to my fellow Americans, those rooting for Pence as well as supporters of Democratic Sen. Kamala Harris, I am happy to provide the following transcript:

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh man, what is this stuff I’m on, snow? Nah, it’s not cold. Kinda sticky, though.

 

Whoa, I’m on some dude’s hair! Oh, bug, I must be standing out like a sore leg segment. Hope there aren’t any frogs around.

This dude better not try to swat me. I’ve still got a good 15 days left. Last thing I need is to get squashed on some human’s helmet head.

What’s with all the lights? Are those cameras? COOL! Hey, look at me, focus on me! Hey, I’m a fly, check out these wings.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Man, that’s fun to say. I never get sick of that.

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