Trump’s narcissism seems effective. So I am now the greatest columnist in the world.
Regular readers of this column know that, from time to time, I receive emails that are not entirely flattering.
They generally involve helpful critiques like: “You (expletive) suck”; “Your a (expletive) idiot”; or “You stupid (expletive) (expletive), every (expletive) word you write is (expletive), go (expletive) yourself in the (expletive).”
I’ve shared many of these missives in past Reader Fan Mail columns. I think it’s important that my critics be heard, and my already low self-esteem enjoys being publicly trod upon.
However, as an avid chronicler of our infallible president, Donald Trump, I’ve decided a new approach is in order — a more Rex-forward, utterly narcissistic approach.
Let’s face it, Trump became president and could very well be reelected without ever acknowledging a single fault or turning down a compliment. The only reason he has not walked on water, I assume, is because water is involved in a Deep State plot to keep him from appearing messianic.
So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
What follows are actual notes from highly respected and educated readers — truly some of the most impressive Americans — touting my greatness, which many are saying is the greatest greatness they’ve ever seen. I will honor each note with a response acknowledging how smart they are to praise me, and I will encourage each of them and all of you to visit one of my many resorts or just send me buckets of money.
Here we go:
“There are now two of us (one of which is you) who consider yourself America’s most-beloved columnist. … The biting humor nailed it. Flawless in presentation and relevance. Could literally not stop laughing.”
Thank you so much for being a REAL AMERICAN who recognizes TRUE TALENT. Unlike the losers and haters out there, you clearly see that my writing has MADE WORDS GREAT AGAIN. You’re welcome, America!