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Politics

Trump will NOT hurt the Postal Service or get help from Russia — as long as we let him win the election

By Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

Hello, I am with the Republican Party and would like to reassure all real (Trump-supporting) Americans that the U.S. Postal Service is just fine and you have no reason to worry about the security of the upcoming election.

As I reassure you that our mail system is not being tampered with in any way, I hope you’ll excuse the noise in the background. We’re melting down recently removed mailboxes and patriotically transitioning them into statutes of President Donald Trump that every city in America will be required to install.

There have been widespread concerns about the U.S. Postal Service due to a slowdown in mail delivery and the removal of mail-sorting machines in advance of the 2020 presidential election. Allow me to distract you from those concerns with several outlandish comments that strain credulity.

First off, we know from President Trump’s own words that: Mail-in voting is guaranteed to lead to a “rigged election”; is a fraudulent system, except when he and other Republicans do it; and must be stopped, unless Trump supporters want to do it, in which case it’s fine.

While radical-left Democrat demon spawn will tell you “mail-ballot fraud is exceedingly rare,” they’re sneakily basing that claim on the fact that there is no evidence of significant mail-ballot fraud.

CNN host Jake Tapper tried this grounded-in-truth line recently on White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, sparking this exchange:

 

Tapper: “But there’s no evidence of widespread voter fraud.”

Meadows: “There’s no evidence that there’s not either. That’s the definition of fraud, Jake.”

HUM A FEW BARS OF THAT, FAKE-NEWS TAPPER!

Granted, Meadows’ standard for establishing truth is so simplistic that Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and several Hobbits were willed into existence moments after the words left his mouth, but who cares? Bigfoot is awesome.

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