Welcome to the White House, where we are winning!
Hello, and welcome to the White House, where everything is fine and we are encouraging Americans to be warriors and get out there, get back to work and face the coronavirus head-on. Please excuse this recorded message. We are currently experiencing a coronavirus outbreak that is being handled perfectly.
Before entering, we must ask you to undergo a quick coronavirus test. If you are wondering why you are able to receive a speedy test here when tests are still not widely available in communities across the country, there are two answers:
1. That is fake news.
2. It is the fault of former President Barack Obama, who failed during his presidency to prepare an adequate number of tests for a virus that didn't exist before 2019.
You will also be asked to wear a mask and practice social distancing, as we have recently had two people -- one of President Donald Trump's valets and Vice President Mike Pence's press secretary -- test positive for the coronavirus. We suspect Obama is to blame, though Hillary Clinton's involvement has not been ruled out.
Any sense you might be getting that there is hypocrisy in implementing mandatory face coverings at the White House while President Trump simultaneously lauds people across America who are flaunting such rules is preposterous and likely the result of being so close to the president's well-known Aura of Awesomeness. It can be disorienting.
Also, if you're wondering why President Trump did not wear a mask at his Monday news briefing, just hours after the White House announced its mandatory mask-wearing policy, your mind is likely addled from the coronavirus and we're going to test you again.
As you were coming in, you may have noticed two large signs from Monday's news briefing that read: "AMERICA LEADS THE WORLD IN TESTING." If your mind is beginning to form the sentence "Well, that's not at all true if you're talking about per capita testing ..." then you should immediately leave. You are not welcome here. And if you stay, we're going to test you a third time, and if you find it odd that we seem to have an unlimited number of coronavirus tests available, we will test you a fourth time.
Unless you want a fifth test, don't even begin weighing the president's comment Monday that, "We have met the moment and we have prevailed" in terms of testing with the fact that no reputable health official has said America is anywhere close to where it needs to be in terms of testing.
Before entering, it is important that you disregard the entire coronavirus pandemic (and the horrible way it has been handled by Barack Obama) and instead focus on the many devious and worse-than-Watergate things for which Obama should be blamed.
President Trump, because of his great mind, has found that the best way he and other Americans can protect themselves from the coronavirus -- which is being perfectly handled and is totally under control and is entirely the fault of the Obama administration -- is to blame everything on former President Barack Obama.
To that end, the president devoted Mother's Day to posting more than 120 tweets on his Twitter account, many dealing with Obama scandals previously known only to people fortunate enough to receive secret messages from Fox News host Sean Hannity through fillings in their teeth.
All of Trump's hard work on Mother's Day proved conclusively that Obama conspired to bring down the Trump administration by not revealing an investigation into the Trump campaign during the 2016 election, instead waiting for Trump to win the election and serve for three years before unleashing a deadly virus that Hillary Clinton created when she bit a bat in China. Then, presumably drunk on power and coup-enthusiastic, Obama's Deep State shadow government failed to respond quickly enough to the virus outbreak here in America and foolishly said it would be gone by April and then murdered tens of thousands of Americans using 5G cellular communications technology.
It's all in there on President Trump's Twitter account, you just have to read between the lines. And if you see those tweets and think they reflect poorly on the president, you should know that Obama hacked Trump's Twitter account and put all those tweets there to make him look bad. That guy will stop at nothing to destroy our country.
So, now that you have received your fifth coronavirus test, donned your mask that everyone except the president has to wear and focused all your blame for everything bad that has ever happened on Obama, you are ready to enter the White House, where we are perfectly handling the coronavirus outbreak that nobody outside the White House should be worrying about at all.
Please enjoy your stay. If you have any complaints, please direct them to Barack Obama.
(Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)