Welcome to the White House, where we are winning!
Hello, and welcome to the White House, where everything is fine and we are encouraging Americans to be warriors and get out there, get back to work and face the coronavirus head-on. Please excuse this recorded message. We are currently experiencing a coronavirus outbreak that is being handled perfectly.
Before entering, we must ask you to undergo a quick coronavirus test. If you are wondering why you are able to receive a speedy test here when tests are still not widely available in communities across the country, there are two answers:
1. That is fake news.
2. It is the fault of former President Barack Obama, who failed during his presidency to prepare an adequate number of tests for a virus that didn't exist before 2019.
You will also be asked to wear a mask and practice social distancing, as we have recently had two people -- one of President Donald Trump's valets and Vice President Mike Pence's press secretary -- test positive for the coronavirus. We suspect Obama is to blame, though Hillary Clinton's involvement has not been ruled out.
Any sense you might be getting that there is hypocrisy in implementing mandatory face coverings at the White House while President Trump simultaneously lauds people across America who are flaunting such rules is preposterous and likely the result of being so close to the president's well-known Aura of Awesomeness. It can be disorienting.
Also, if you're wondering why President Trump did not wear a mask at his Monday news briefing, just hours after the White House announced its mandatory mask-wearing policy, your mind is likely addled from the coronavirus and we're going to test you again.
As you were coming in, you may have noticed two large signs from Monday's news briefing that read: "AMERICA LEADS THE WORLD IN TESTING." If your mind is beginning to form the sentence "Well, that's not at all true if you're talking about per capita testing ..." then you should immediately leave. You are not welcome here. And if you stay, we're going to test you a third time, and if you find it odd that we seem to have an unlimited number of coronavirus tests available, we will test you a fourth time.
Unless you want a fifth test, don't even begin weighing the president's comment Monday that, "We have met the moment and we have prevailed" in terms of testing with the fact that no reputable health official has said America is anywhere close to where it needs to be in terms of testing.
Before entering, it is important that you disregard the entire coronavirus pandemic (and the horrible way it has been handled by Barack Obama) and instead focus on the many devious and worse-than-Watergate things for which Obama should be blamed.