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Christmas is almost here. You're not panicking enough

By Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

Look at the date. It's already the first week of December.

Thanksgiving ended approximately yesterday, and Christmas will be here in 12 seconds.

How did this happen? I don't know, but it likely has something to do with the Thanksgiving Industrial Complex paying off calendar manufacturers to push Thanksgiving as late as possible in November, maximizing the window for decorative cornucopia sales. (The decorative cornucopia lobby is ruthless. Take it from someone who has been pelted with colorful gourds and seasonal fruit.)

If you celebrate Christmas and the yuletide clock is ticking in your ear, I beg you to take a deep, cleansing breath, pour yourself a soothing cup of warm spiced cider and join me in a calm recitation of this year's holiday mantra: "AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BREATHING AND SIPPING SPICED CIDER, YOU MANIAC?!? CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND YOU HAVE ALREADY FALLEN BEHIND ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING!!!

But don't worry. (Please worry, a lot.) I've assembled a full list of all the things you have to do so you can zip through them in a neat and organized and in-no-way-panicky manner. (Please proceed in a disorganized and panicky manner.)

 

1) Panic. If you haven't panicked yet at the ludicrous mountain of shopping, decorating, baking and fun-having that stands before you, then I have to assume you hate Christmas. Because every Christmas-loving American knows the true holiday spirit can only be achieved while under maximum stress. It's in " 'Twas the Night Before Christmas," look it up.

2) Figure out a photo holiday card that will be better than the one your stupid sister and her family always send. No offense, but your sister owns you in the clever-and-awesome Christmas card department. Her cards are hilarious, carefully thought out, perfectly costumed and always the talk of Facebook. Your cards are, at best, pedestrian. And guess what? Your sister has a new baby, and rumor has it she's considering a Baby Yoda costume. Time to up your game or forever remain a Christmas card loser.

3) Savor that holiday feeling. ARE YOU SAVORING IT YET? HURRY UP, YOU NEED TO DO MORE SAVORING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

4) Worry about whether it will be a white Christmas. Everyone knows Christmas can only be perfect if there's snow on the ground, so it's never too soon to start checking the forecast and worrying about the weather. There is nothing you can do to control precipitation, but it's fundamentally important that you obsess over it and feel like any lack of holiday snow is your fault. (It probably is.)

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