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Who reported my Thanksgiving yard decorations to the city? We MUST know the identity of this whistleblower

By Rex Huppke, Tribune Content Agency on

I am writing today to DEMAND the identity of the whistleblower who reported my Thanksgiving yard decorations to city officials, resulting in the impeachment of my character and the removal of my 20-foot-tall inflatable pilgrim and illuminated live turkey display.

The inquiry into my Thanksgiving decorations was a sham process and the unwillingness of you, my neighbors, as well as members of the city council to identify the anonymous whistleblower should render the entire process INVALID.

First, let me make it clear that my yard decorations were perfect. In fact, many say they were the most perfect Thanksgiving yard decorations ever assembled.

That's why I decided to release partial illustrations of the decorations. The illustrations show that the inflatable pilgrim posed no threat whatsoever to the Wigginton's ornamental flowering plum tree and that there was no way the Henderson's bichon frise, Tammy, could have penetrated the fencing around the live turkey coop, where she was found (sadly) pecked to death on Nov. 3. (I suspect members of the Deep Block lifted Tammy into the coop as part of their attempted coup.)

With absolutely clear partial illustrations of a perfect (and very festive) array of Thanksgiving yard decorations, how is it possible that the city impeached my character and ordered the removal of the decorations? It makes no sense.

The whistleblower's report was complete Deep Block nonsense, based entirely on second- and third-hand reports that the flashing LED lights from my 6-by-12-foot "Happy Turkey Day!" sign were keeping Sam Bevington up at night and causing his cat to have seizures.

 

Yes, the city council heard sworn testimony from Deb Arnold, who said she saw me pulling the 20-foot-tall inflatable pilgrim off the Wigginton's flowering plum tree on Nov. 5 following a wind gust that, ALLEGEDLY, propelled the pilgrim at a velocity that "darn near knocked that whole plum tree right down."

And yes, the council also heard testimony from my next-door neighbor and former best friend, Phil Hernandez, who said I plugged the extension cord that powered 25,000 orange-and-brown lights into an exterior outlet on the side of his house, sparking a (very small) leaf fire that (barely) damaged his vinyl siding. (DON'T EVER ASK TO BORROW MY MOWER AGAIN, PHIL, YOU INGRATE!!)

And, of course, my wife testified that she warned me: not to plug that cord into Phil's outlet; to tie the pilgrim down better or, preferably, just get rid of the damn thing and call it good; and to read up on turkey aggression toward domestic house pets before buying the live turkeys.

But none of that matters because what we're dealing with here is an illegal and biased whistleblower who is probably one of those Never Rexers who can't get over the fact that I won the 2018 Christmas Yard Decorating Contest. (I'll show you block-by-block voting map so you can see what a beautiful victory that was. All the so-called experts on our block said the Clintons over by the high school were going to win, but then I came out of nowhere and won in a landslide!)

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