There are two things we know for certain:
1) President Donald Trump is a genius. A stable one, at that.
2) Special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election is a witch hunt and there was absolutely no collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russian government.
We know those two things are accurate because Trump said them and geniuses don't lie. (Lying isn't a smart thing to do and geniuses are, by definition, very smart. Ipso facto, no genius has ever lied.)
How do I know Trump is a genius? Simple. It's a well-established fact that all geniuses self-identify.
The equation at the heart of Albert Einstein's theory of special relativity is often truncated by the liberal media as "E = mc2," but what he wrote was actually: "E = mc2, oh my God, I'm a genius. And not just a regular genius but, like, the biggest genius of all time!"
Also, while liberal scientists have attempted to erase all but the first part of this statement, Sir Isaac Newton once said: "To any action there is always an opposite and equal reaction, and I should know because I'm a tremendous genius. I mean, did anyone else discover gravity before me? No. GENIUS!"
In keeping with those great thinkers, Trump tweeted over the weekend that "throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart." He then, like, noted that he is "a very stable genius."
There's no way for us nongeniuses to argue with that, so it must be true. Also, since former FBI Director Mueller has never publicly claimed to be a genius, he must not be one.
This gives us an obvious intellectual mismatch. And you don't have to be a genius to see that the Trump administration can bring the Russia investigation to a swift conclusion by using a tactic I've dubbed "Unleashing the Genius."
It's time for the president's attorneys and other handlers to stop waffling and let our stable genius president do what he believes he does best: Win.
NBC News on Monday reported: "Anticipating that special counsel Robert Mueller will ask to interview President Donald Trump, the president's legal team is discussing a range of potential options for the format, including written responses to questions in lieu of a formal sit-down."
Written responses? Give me a break.
The report also said attorneys are considering "an affidavit signed by the president affirming he was innocent of any wrongdoing and denying any collusion" and "debating whether it would be possible to simply avoid" an in-person interview with Mueller.
What a pack of extremely nonstable nongeniuses these attorneys must be to even consider these options.
When you've got a stable genius in your stable, you don't hold him back, you let that brilliant bronco loose and shout, "Good luck ropin' that one, Mueller! Yeeeee-hah!!"
President Trump is a very, very smart man. He'll tell you that, and I can't imagine any of his supporters would disagree.
Trump has said definitively and without equivocation that Mueller's Russia probe is a witch hunt. At Camp David on Saturday, Trump said: "Just so you understand, there's been no collusion, there's been no crime, and in theory everybody tells me I'm not under investigation. ... When you've done nothing wrong, let's be open and get it over with. Because, honestly, it's very, very bad for our country. It's making our country look foolish. And this is a country that I don't want looking foolish. And it's not gonna look foolish as long as I'm here."
There you have it, folks. Straight from the stable mouth of the stable genius.
Why on Earth would Trump set aside his greatest asset -- himself and his fantastic words -- to avoid an interview with noted nongenius Mueller?
If you believe in your president, if you admire his intellect and integrity, if you think him wholly innocent of any wrongdoing, wouldn't you cheer him on to meet these witch-hunting investigators face-to-face and answer all of their questions?
I'm sure it wouldn't even be a fair fight for Mueller to face off against Trump who is, like, very smart and known for mental stability.
So let's do it, Trump believers. Call on the administration to Unleash the Genius. (#UnleashTheGenius.)
Let's get this Russia business over with so Trump can continue his presidency unburdened, free to remind us, in fits of unrivaled mental stability, that he is probably the most intelligent president of all time.
(Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)