Today in gross America: Gropey prez endorses pervy judge in Alabama Senate race
The latest development in Gross America can be summed up in a rather simple headline: "President Trump offers direct endorsement of Senate candidate Roy Moore."
That's plenty, I suppose, because in Gross America we only read the headlines. No need for additional information. In fact, if you've read this far into the column I'll assume you're not a citizen of Gross America -- probably some kind of foreign agent or non-gross interloper. Be gone!
Well, if you insist on sticking around, I'll add some additional, probably not-at-all-important details.
On Monday morning, President Donald Trump sent out a tweet that read, in part, "we need Republican Roy Moore to win in Alabama. We need his vote on stopping crime, illegal immigration, Border Wall, Military, Pro Life, V.A., Judges 2nd Amendment and more."
OK, let's expand that original headline: "President who doesn't understand proper capitalization or comma use cites legislative goals as reason to vote for Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore."
That might be a bit too much for Gross America, but honestly, the headline still lacks the details non-gross interlopers like yourself might find relevant.
Let's try this: "President Trump offers direct endorsement of Alabama Republican Roy Moore, a U.S. Senate candidate facing credible accusations of unwanted sexual advances on teen girls."
Slightly more informative, considerably more gross, but still too short.
Maybe this: "Republican president accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women offers direct endorsement of Republican Senate candidate from Alabama accused of sexual misconduct by several women when they were teenagers and he was in his 30s."
That might take up a bit too much space for a headline, but that's not a big concern. It'll be in bold, and it's all most residents of Gross America will pay attention to anyway.
So let's keep going: "Republican president who said he grabs women by their private parts and used to stroll into beauty pageant dressing rooms while young contestants were naked offers direct endorsement of Republican Senate candidate from Alabama accused of taking a 14-year-old girl to his house, removing her shirt and pants and touching her over her bra and underwear."
Or this: "Republican president who denied repeated accusations of sexual misconduct and said he would sue his accusers but never did says Alabama man once banned from a shopping mall for repeatedly flirting with teen girls should be elected to U.S. Senate because he will vote against Democrats."
This takes a slightly different but no-less-accurate tack: "Law-and-order president who spent weekend denouncing nation's top law-enforcement agency endorses Republican Senate candidate from Alabama who is accused of repeated sexual misconduct with minors and was twice removed from Alabama Supreme Court for refusing to enforce federal law."
Also: "President who launched anti-Muslim birther conspiracy against Obama offers full-throated endorsement of Alabama Senate candidate who supported birther conspiracy, said homosexuality should be illegal and claimed Sept. 11 terror attacks were God's way of punishing America for immoral behavior."
OK, since you're still here -- and I truly admire the distance you've come from this column's headline; it's quite impressive -- let's weave it all together into the perfect, comprehensive, unassailable headline that even residents of Gross America should be able to consume without getting distracted. Deep breath, everyone:
"Racist-conspiracy-theory-hurling alleged-Christian president incapable of proper capitalization and accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women, including Cassandra Searles, who said, 'He continually grabbed my ass and invited me to his hotel room,' directly endorses reputed Alabama teen-luster and racist-conpiracy-theory-hurling alleged-Christian Roy Moore -- who stands accused of inappropriate sexual contact with several women when they were teenagers and acknowledged that he was first attracted to his eventual wife when he saw her at a dance recital in her early teens -- for Senate seat despite former judge's past refusals to follow federal law and openly bigoted views on gay people and inability to get into an Alabama mall because he was banned for being a creep."
Sometimes the headline is all you need.
Of course, if that's too much for those unwilling to peruse the facts that come below the headline, I suppose we can just give Gross America what it needs, short and sweet: "Perv prez promotes mall creeper."
That pretty much says it all.
(Rex Huppke is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune and a noted hypocrisy enthusiast. You can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter at @RexHuppke.)