Today in gross America: Gropey prez endorses pervy judge in Alabama Senate race
The latest development in Gross America can be summed up in a rather simple headline: "President Trump offers direct endorsement of Senate candidate Roy Moore."
That's plenty, I suppose, because in Gross America we only read the headlines. No need for additional information. In fact, if you've read this far into the column I'll assume you're not a citizen of Gross America -- probably some kind of foreign agent or non-gross interloper. Be gone!
Well, if you insist on sticking around, I'll add some additional, probably not-at-all-important details.
On Monday morning, President Donald Trump sent out a tweet that read, in part, "we need Republican Roy Moore to win in Alabama. We need his vote on stopping crime, illegal immigration, Border Wall, Military, Pro Life, V.A., Judges 2nd Amendment and more."
OK, let's expand that original headline: "President who doesn't understand proper capitalization or comma use cites legislative goals as reason to vote for Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore."
That might be a bit too much for Gross America, but honestly, the headline still lacks the details non-gross interlopers like yourself might find relevant.
Let's try this: "President Trump offers direct endorsement of Alabama Republican Roy Moore, a U.S. Senate candidate facing credible accusations of unwanted sexual advances on teen girls."
Slightly more informative, considerably more gross, but still too short.
Maybe this: "Republican president accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women offers direct endorsement of Republican Senate candidate from Alabama accused of sexual misconduct by several women when they were teenagers and he was in his 30s."
That might take up a bit too much space for a headline, but that's not a big concern. It'll be in bold, and it's all most residents of Gross America will pay attention to anyway.