Are You Ready for the War of the Weddings?

I realize couples want to share a perfect day with as many of their loved ones as possible. But is it worth freaking out over mailing an embossed “Save the Day” invitation to every sorority sister, every incontinent childhood neighbor, Unibrow Guy from the IT department and those Viking cousins whom Ancestry.com tracked down?

And shouldn’t “loved ones” and “special people” be getting lullabies or hugs? Nowadays they’re more likely to be the recipient of “What part of RSVP don’t you understand???” or “We’re registered at Fort Knox, the Louvre and ZIP Codes R Us” or “Sorry, but your conjoined twin counts as your ‘plus one.’”

Most engaged couples seem determined to persevere and achieve perfection even if it means a long engagement; but others are slowly facing cold reality and downsizing. (Hey, my wife and I had a simple, low-budget ceremony and reception. Who needs ice sculptures when you have nearly enough crushed ice for the store-brand punch?)

These sadder but wiser people do draw a few lines in the sand. (“Okay, we’ll confine the father-daughter dance to a cubicle, but a magenta printer cartridge is nonnegotiable!”)

A few people are even uttering the dreaded capitulation “I guess we could always…elope.” My parents eloped and did fine; but the couples who say, “I guess we could always… elope” mouth it with the same intonation as declaring, “I hear they grew the boutonnieres with hobo feces.”

Save the date? Save my sanity! I’ll hide in a shipping container. Let me know when all this is over.

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”