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How To Tell if You're Dead

Marc Munroe Dion on

I am an American male. I gauge my general health with these five simple comparisons.

No. 1: My buddy Stan. He's dead.

No. 2: Anyone I've seen recently who was using an oxygen tank.

No. 3: Three guys I know who are drinking themselves to death.

No. 4: That guy I saw in Walmart last week who musta weighed 400 pounds.

No. 5: Anyone I ever knew who died younger than I am right now.

 

So, I'm fine.

My wife (standing by with the lettuce) insists I could do a little more to healthy up, and I do some things. I eat what she cooks, which includes a lot of vegetables, and she's convinced me that black coffee, grape soda and beer are not the only thirst quenchers. Water works, too.

In the first year of our marriage, she looked at me in horror and spoke.

"Do you know the only things you've had to drink today are three cups of coffee and two beers?" she said late one evening.

...continued

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