From the Left



A few notes for a new national anthem

Marc Munroe Dion on

The anthem (and you damn well better stand) is easy to swallow in all its slightly gory wordiness because the siege of Fort McHenry happened in 1812, or 1612, back when there were still dinosaurs in America (just ask a Tennessee legislator).

And if you're listening to the anthem as sung by State Trooper Patrick O'Whiteguy, in the moments before your team covers or doesn't cover the spread, you know damn well why nobody ever sings the whole song.

"The gunfire roars, and the senators want more/

Of that gleaming NRA cash that makes them all ..."

Forget it. You can't compare the Congress to a house of prostitution. Anyway, you'll never have the cash to find out what pleasures lurk in that brothel. Guys like you, veterans of our ever-victorious military, if you want some retail love, you're gonna have to settle for the kind sold by brown-toothed meth addicts.

"Oh, she's not very pretty, but she only wants 30.

Sponsored Video Stories from LifeZette

She'll be there through the night cuz she's hooked on the pipe."

Drugs? In an anthem? Why not? No anthem has ever before attempted the truth. The old Soviet Union had an anthem that sounded like the beautiful yet slightly muscular kiss of freedom's red mouth. The old Soviet Union was a meat locker full of corpses on hooks, but the anthem could make you cry for the workers-and-peasants paradise.

"And our leader, he'll run, toward the sound of the gun.

Though he was unarmed, his bone spurs were flashing."


swipe to next page


blog comments powered by Disqus

Social Connections


Gary Varvel Darrin Bell Ken Catalino Marshall Ramsey Steve Benson Clay Bennett