From the Left



Goodbye, Jesus

Marc Munroe Dion on

I'm getting a little sick of Jesus.

When I was a kid in Catholic school, back in the early 1960s, Jesus was in the prayer books, surrounded by lambs, lambs whose bellies must have been warm and soft, and wonderful to touch.

I guess it was those pictures that taught me Jesus liked the soft, the weak and the defenseless. Even if Jesus ran into something big and scary like a lion, all he did was teach it to lie down with a lamb.

What a little dope I was.

Nowadays, Jesus just wants you to tell gay people they can't have a wedding cake. Your cousin Stella, the one who's been married three times before? She can have a wedding cake.

When did Jesus get so interested in sex anyway?

Jesus used to want you to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and visit the prisoner. The original Franciscan monks spoke of "Jesus, poor and crucified," as the only Jesus worth following.

In other words, those monks thought Jesus was a homeless guy killed by the cops.

Most recently, Jesus has stopped caring what you do for or to the poor, who are all lazy losers anyway, and he is real concerned with whether you say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays."

So, I'm sick of Jesus. He's a lot meaner than he used to be. Why, if Jesus saw a lamb today, he'd shoot it with his automatic rifle. He wouldn't shoot it just once, either. Hell no! Jesus would pop a whole clip in that worthless, defenseless, baaing little vegetarian pansy.

Jesus sure as hell wouldn't encourage the lamb to lie down with the lion. That is an unnatural coupling. Lambs should lie down with lambs and lions should lie down with lions. Anything else is an abomination.

The Supreme Court is involved in the "wedding cakes for gays controversy" because what the Supreme Court does these days is decide what Jesus thinks about sex.

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Of course, in the actual New Testament, Jesus doesn't talk about sex. What he talks about mostly is poor people, and how it stinks to be poor, and how the poor are better than the rich.

Yup. That's Jesus.

If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and you own two car washes in Austin, Texas, and you've got a house with a built-in pizza oven, Jesus thinks the homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk in front of your car wash is better than you are. Not as good as. Better.

No wonder everyone wants Jesus to be hugely concerned with prayer before high school football games, and gay sex, and the Ten Commandments on display in a public park. It's safer that way.

Yeah. I'm sick of tough guy Jesus, who wants me to kick hell out of gay people, or knocked-up teenagers, or people who don't like pistols, or Muslims, or Jews.

Like the police force in your suburb, Jesus has been militarized. He's spoiling for a fight. He hates poor people. You back talk him, and he'll handcuff you and beat you until your own public defender wouldn't recognize you.

My lamb-y Jesus is on the run these days. He's huddled under the overpass, sleeping in the weeds. He's lining up at the soup kitchen. He's whispering to the lion that it's all right to lie down with the lamb. He's blessing every kind of love he can find.

People have always asked who killed Jesus. The Romans? The Jews?

That's not the important question. The important question isn't who killed Jesus 2,000 years ago. The question is who will kill Jesus today.


To find out more about Marc Munroe Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit Dion's latest book, "The Land of Trumpin," is a collection of his columns from before, during and after the recent horror of a presidential election. It is available in paperback from, and for Nook, Kindle, iBooks and GooglePlay.



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