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Goodbye, Jesus

Marc Munroe Dion on

I'm getting a little sick of Jesus.

When I was a kid in Catholic school, back in the early 1960s, Jesus was in the prayer books, surrounded by lambs, lambs whose bellies must have been warm and soft, and wonderful to touch.

I guess it was those pictures that taught me Jesus liked the soft, the weak and the defenseless. Even if Jesus ran into something big and scary like a lion, all he did was teach it to lie down with a lamb.

What a little dope I was.

Nowadays, Jesus just wants you to tell gay people they can't have a wedding cake. Your cousin Stella, the one who's been married three times before? She can have a wedding cake.

When did Jesus get so interested in sex anyway?

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Jesus used to want you to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and visit the prisoner. The original Franciscan monks spoke of "Jesus, poor and crucified," as the only Jesus worth following.

In other words, those monks thought Jesus was a homeless guy killed by the cops.

Most recently, Jesus has stopped caring what you do for or to the poor, who are all lazy losers anyway, and he is real concerned with whether you say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays."

So, I'm sick of Jesus. He's a lot meaner than he used to be. Why, if Jesus saw a lamb today, he'd shoot it with his automatic rifle. He wouldn't shoot it just once, either. Hell no! Jesus would pop a whole clip in that worthless, defenseless, baaing little vegetarian pansy.

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