It's treason not to applaud Trump. Join AmeriClaps and avoid execution.
Conversely, the president is angry when he does not hear clapping. At a Republican congressional retreat last week, he complained that during his address, Democrats "sat there stone cold, no smile, no applause." By Monday, he had a solution: "Can we call that treason? Why not? I mean, they certainly didn't seem to love our country very much."
But perhaps there is a different solution, short of sending two-thirds of Americans to the electric chair. I propose a national service program based on applause. We'll call it AmeriClaps.
Millions of AmeriClaps volunteers will applaud Trump daily. In exchange, Trump will agree to cease governing, leaving that to members of Congress, governors and a board of overseers selected by random digit dialing. The contribution categories:
Putin-Level Applauders will agree to clap for the president for 60 minutes a year, accompanied by mild praise of the sort given Trump by Russian President Vladimir Putin: "He is a very bright person, talented without any doubt."
Congressional-Level Applauders will agree to clap for the president for at least five hours annually, accompanied by moderate praise such as that given by Republican lawmakers after the tax cut: hailing Trump for "exquisite presidential leadership" (House Speaker Paul D. Ryan), having "a year of extraordinary accomplishment" and holding "the record" (Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell).
Cabinet-Level Applauders will clap for the president for 24 hours a year, donating heavy-to-extreme praise of the variety bestowed in actual Trump Cabinet meetings: "We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda … an incredible privilege … just so thrilled … what an incredible honor."