A considered response to Trump's critics: Your momma
Bannon: Your momma is so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed three commercials.
Trump: Your momma is so fat that when she weighed herself the scale said, "One at a time, please."
But wait! Why am I advising that North Korean blowhole? As a patriotic American, I should be helping my country perfect the adolescent arts. And so, as gift to the president, I have composed a first draft of his State of the Union address:
My fellow Americans, including all of my enemies and haters, you idiot-holes. There are those who say that I am unfit to hold this office and who are calling for my impeachment. But what they do not realize is this: I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Tag, no tag-backs. Yes, Democrat jerk-weeds kept us from repealing Obamacare, but we passed a huge tax cut for the rich. In your face! And after years of nothing from President Wimpy McSissypants, I told ISIS: Talk to the hand, because the face ain't listening.
Let the word go forth to all fatheads who say my administration stinks of corruption: He who smelt it dealt it. Let all dog-breath goobers who say I am dragging down Republicans know this: LALALALALALA! I can't hear you! And let everybody who thinks me a failure hear this: I know you are, but what am I? Your FACE is a failure.
The state of my union is bigger and more powerful than the state of your union. And your momma knows it.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.
(c) 2018, Washington Post Writers Group