I am sometimes asked if I think the “parenting pendulum” is swinging back, however slowly, toward where it was sixty-plus years ago or at least toward a tolerable middle point.
Before I answer the question, the reader should understand that prior to the psychological parenting revolution of the late 1960s and 1970s, there was no periodic swing in child rearing in America or any other culture. The evidence points to a parenting ethos that remained essentially unchanged for thousands of years (while everything else was changing). This ethos consisted not of methodologies, but of timeless understandings concerning children and parental responsibilities, understandings that crossed cultural boundaries. It is, in fact, still being adhered to in cultures that have not turned to mental health professionals as the primary source of child-rearing guidance but still rely on community elders for parenting support and counsel.
In the cultures in question children are everything American children were before “experts” determined that they had been anointed by some New Age divinity to fix something that wasn’t broken: responsible, mannerly, respectful of adults, hard-working, and trustworthy. As an example, a woman who recently spent two years working in rural African schools told me that it was not unusual to find over one hundred children of all ages being taught in one large space by one teacher who was dealing with virtually zero behavior problems.
That is a hallucinogenic dream in America today, yet I have met a good number of American women who taught, solo, over ninety first graders at one time in the early 1950s. Without exception, they testify to orderly classrooms where discipline was not a major issue.
The major difference between then and now is that parents in the good old days understood their obligations to their neighbors, communities, and culture whereas today’s parents do not have as good a grasp of these obligations. Today, the raising of the typical child is not about strengthening culture; it is all about the child and promoting his accomplishments. You know, helping him get accepted by the “right” university and such. (By the way, the “right” university for me was Western Illinois University – not generally included in a “best of” list.)
So, having put the original question into a proper historical context, my answer is no. I had hope for such a restoration up until recently. Then it became clear to me that most of today’s parents will do such things as give their 10-year-olds smart phones on demand even if they’re aware of research saying that such devices induce changes in brain development that mimic addiction. The inmates are obviously running the asylum.
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Which leads me to point out that today’s parents are, as a lot, afraid of their children. They are afraid to upset them, deprive them of what their friends have, afraid of losing their carefully cultivated friendships with them. As is typical of folks in my generation, I am thankful that my parents did not care whether I liked them or not. It never occurred to me to yell “I hate you!” because it would not have caused them to even pause in what they were doing.
American child rearing underwent a paradigm shift fifty years ago and has been off the rails ever since. Indeed, more and more people are recognizing this and resolving to correct it in their own homes. But will the big picture ever be re-balanced? I doubt it, but that’s not the point. The point is to do the right thing without needing someone else to join in, or even cheer you on.
Family psychologist John Rosemond: johnrosemond.com, parentguru.com.
*About the Author: Rosemond has written nine best-selling parenting books and is one of America's busiest and most popular speakers, known for his sound advice, humor and easy, relaxed, engaging style. In the past few years, John has appeared on numerous national television programs including 20/20, Good Morning America, The View, Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect, Public Eye, The Today Show, CNN, and CBS Later Today.