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Fake Eyelashes, First-grade Math and Other Problems


I learned this week that first-grade math is too hard, my joints are falling apart and fake eyelashes are a demonic creation.

First, my son came home with a word problem. We sat down at the kitchen table to read:

"If there are twice as many blue balloons as red balloons and two more yellow balloons than green balloons, why is Elon Musk spending so much time arguing with Stephen King on Twitter?"

"Isn't this ... algebra?" I grumbled while scribbling furiously on a sheet of scratch paper.

"What's algebra?" my son asked.

"It's really hard math," I said as the sweat popped up on my forehead. "Math that Mommy didn't do so hot at in school, which is why she ended up a journalist."


"Three yellow balloons!" my 4-year-old exclaimed in delight.

Eventually, between the three of us, we solved the problem, but then I decided to put on fake eyelashes.

At the drug store, I also bought fake nails, the super-long kind that make it impossible to type, open a soda can or wipe your butt.

Maybe I thought the lashes and nails would make me look more feminine. I've cut off most of my hair, to help grow out the gray quicker, and from certain angles I look a little too much like my brother.


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