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The New Beatitudes

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Blessed art the millionaires, for a million dollars does not goeth as far as it used to.

Blessed art the governors of Florida and Texas, for they owneth the libs in the most Christlike way possible when they droppeth off desperate migrants, starving and exhausted, in blue cities for publicity stunts, treating human beings as props in political theater.

Blessed art those who are still posting pictures of the pump at the gas station after they filleth up.

Blessed art those who, every time it snows, sarcastically ask, "Whatever happened to global warming?"

Blessed art those who took federal payment protection loans, asked for those loans to be forgiven and now complain about student loan forgiveness.

Blessed art the senators, the congressmen, the radio and TV hosts, the pundits, the LibsofTikTokkers and the tweeters serving on the culture wars' front lines. For, lo, they do labor for one goal only, and that is the betterment of mankind. It hath nothing to do with book sales, cushy consultant gigs, speaking fees and "gifts" from lobbyists.

 

Blessed art the CEOs, the Randian conservatives and the corporate communications flaks, for it becometh increasingly difficult to find ways to complain about low unemployment rates in the United States.

Blessed art the victims of cancel culture, people punished for following their beliefs, unless those people were Republican politicians who did not believe the election was stolen, in which case, those RINOs got what was coming to them. People fired for offensive tweets are martyrs of Christ, but teachers fired for admitting they're gay should've just kept their mouths shut.

Blessed art those who "Back The Blue" unless The Blue are FBI agents lawfully executing a search warrant.

Blessed art the gun-nuts, for "The Prince of Peace" would be a great name for an assault rifle, and endless murders of children are a small price to pay for unimpeded access to military-grade weaponry.

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