Reader Mailbag (From My Catholic Friends)

This week, I've answered a bunch of Catholic questions with the wise help of my priestly friends at Fordham University. (Any mistakes are the result of my careless translations from Latin into Yiddish!)

Q: My son will be getting married soon. What's the proper amount to give the church and the priest performing the ceremony? - J., via e-mail

A: Nobody really knows what to give someone who's taken a vow of poverty, but some things are clear. There's no fee for the priest. This doesn't mean you shouldn't make a donation to compensate him for his time and wisdom in preparing the couple for marriage and officiating. I'd say $100 would be at the low end, and $500 at the high end, though $1,000 is occasionally given.

One consideration of how much to give is the cost of the wedding. For a big budget affair, you wouldn't skimp on the hot dogs with the crust around them, so why skimp on the priest? Be generous. In addition to this gift, the church will have a set fee for the organist and other charges.

Q: My son was a non-practicing Catholic who only went to Mass on major religious holidays. One night, he suddenly died in his sleep. He received Last Rites posthumously. During his wake and funeral, many people told me my son was very kind and considerate, and a good friend. However, I was taught that if you died while in the state of mortal sin (missing Mass), you went to hell.

I believe that since Jesus died on the cross for us, He must be compassionate and forgiving and at the time of our death will judge us in the context of how we treated others and conducted our lives in their entirety. I can't believe my son would be damned for missing Mass. Any thoughts? - Anonymous, via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: I agree with you, and my priest friends agree. Your son did indeed participate in the Sacrament of the Eucharist when he was alive. He just didn't participate frequently; there's no minimum attendance target for entrance into heaven. What you call Last Rites (after Vatican II, referred to as the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick) was expanded in 1975 by Pope Paul VI, with the intent "to lead to a wider availability of the sacrament and to extend it--within reasonable limits--even beyond cases of mortal illness."

The anointing of your son after death and the broadening of the reach of the Sacrament with regard to mortal illness and death ought to inspire and remind you that the mercy of God through the atoning death of Jesus is the great gift of mercy, hope and love made available to all Christians. I add my prayers for your son's soul and for his peaceful existence in a heaven without pain or guilt.

Q: I'm a fallen away Catholic in my mid 50s. Lately, I've become very tired of battling life's obstacles; it's always something. I was taught to value every day, and I do. I realize I'm better off than some and I'm in relatively good health. I also know that as I age, I'll probably need more medical care.

I have no interest in extending my life through medical technology any longer than God would give me on His own. I'm thinking of refusing the traditionally recommended medical procedures (other than for broken bones and infections I know can be healed). At the same time, I wonder about God's view of this. Would I appear ungrateful for the days He has given me? Would I be acting selfishly by shutting out family and friends? Or do I have the right to do as I wish and have my actions respected by others? - D., via e-mail

A: Although the theologies of the 3 Abrahamic faiths (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) are different in important ways, their answers to your question is remarkably similar. All believe life is holy and accepting healing for illness is a divine obligation. To refuse therapeutic care is tantamount to committing suicide, and since God owns our bodies, this is prohibited as an act of self-murder.

As long as the treatments offered you are clinically proven (not experimental) and effective (meaning they will cure you or extend your life without excruciating pain) you must accept them. If, however, there are no safe, effective treatments available, you're not obligated to be tortured by useless medical procedures and within your religious and ethical rights to turn them down. Such extraordinary procedures are what you fear.

You should sign a durable health care proxy so your family and your lawyer know your wishes. Meanwhile, I'll pray that they don't have to read your directives until you're 120 (give or take a few years!).

Q: I'm a Catholic man, divorced for 29 years. I attend Mass regularly and would like to receive communion. I've noticed when I go to Mass that just about everybody except me gets up to receive communion. This makes me wonder if I'm the only divorced person there, or if others know of a dispensation allowing them to receive communion. Is there one? - L., West Palm Beach, Fla., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: I infer from your question that you haven't remarried. There's no reason you could not receive communion unless and until you decide to marry again. My priest friends do suggest you explore this issue if you have remarried. You've been divorced for so long it's unlikely you could prove to a church tribunal that your first marriage was not valid and you deserve an annulment.

The alternative is that a priest with pastoral sensitivities could invoke the Internal Forum, which would grant you permission to receive the Eucharist, provided public scandal is not created. In any event, you should meet with your parish priest to seek his advice on how to get right with the church.

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.