Don't Give Up On Forgiveness

Q: Forgiveness is defined as no longer carrying resentment for an offense. This makes sense because it implies you can go on with life in a calm, loving way even after someone else has committed an unspeakable offense against you. Revenge, resentment and anger only hurt and discredit the one offended. However, putting aside these emotions doesn't mean the offense is wiped off the books, or that the offender is no longer responsible.

All of this sounds logical until I come to the Lord's Prayer. In this prayer, we ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Some would say this means that no matter what unspeakable act is committed against us, through forgiveness we release the offender from responsibility.

If someone hurts me and asks my forgiveness, am I expected to say, "I forgive you" and continue our friendship as if nothing happened? Can things like the murder of an innocent child or the Holocaust be redeemed through forgiveness? What is it we're really asking of God in the Lord's Prayer? - D., Gainesville, FL, via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: When people have trouble finding their way to God and faith, I never try to convince them God or faith is real or useful in some abstract way. I start with gratitude and forgiveness. I ask them if they think they've been given more than they deserve in life. If they say yes, as they always do, I ask what they're going to do to show gratitude for their grace/luck/blessings.

The answer of faith is that gratitude for grace is expressed through prayer and charity. We pray to thank God, and we give back some of what's been given us, even though we didn't deserve it. If people can't connect with the impulse to pray and give thanks for their blessings, I don't argue with them or badger them. I simply urge them to begin with charity and wait for them to see how many people working in the charitable world do so as their way of showing gratitude to God.

The second way to God for those in doubt goes through the heart of your question, which is really three questions: Can we forgive? Should we forgive? How do we forgive?

The question, "Can we forgive?" requires that we distinguish between forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving is the ability to extract the poison of an insult or attack from your soul so it doesn't make you a continual victim whenever you think of the assault. Forgetting is wiping our memories clean, which is not a good or a possible thing.

Remembering our wounds can help achieve the positive purpose intended by the Lord's Prayer. Remembering makes a connection between what we hope others will do for us when we've hurt them, and what we, therefore, should do for them when they hurt us. It's simply unfair, on every psychological and theological level, to expect a level of compassion and forgiveness from others that we're not willing to extend to them. Remembering reminds us to forgive so we can be forgiven.

The question, "Should we forgive?" depends upon the level of the offense and the sincerity of the contrition of the offender. A fuzzy line divides hurts we should overlook from those that strike so deeply forgiveness is a remote possibility. For someone whose child has been killed by a predator, I don't know what forgiveness would mean. I know it's possible, but I'm not prepared to say in some facile way that a parent of a murdered child should forgive the killer.

The same is true for genocide. I don't know what it would mean to forgive Hitler, Pol Pot, or their subordinates who actually carried out the mass killings. Such forgiveness, even if possible, is not up to those of us who never suffered such attacks. Only the survivors can forgive the killers, and their decisions are beyond my capacity to judge.

As far as our decisions to forgive the normal range of insults we experience in life, this depends upon whether the offender actually asks for forgiveness. If the offender never asks for forgiveness and is not contrite in any way, I see no reason to forgive him or her until they do ask.

There is a point of difference between Judaism, which demands contrition from offenders as a precondition for forgiveness, and Christianity, which does not. Both positions make sense to me. It makes sense to require the offender to make the first spiritual move toward reconciliation. It also makes sense to let the poison go out of you and forgive so you can go on without the corrosion of negative thoughts.

Whether you can forgive the unrepentant is one of the great spiritual and psychological choices we must all make, regardless of our faith or lack of faith.

Finally, the answer to the question, "How do we forgive?" is both simple and difficult. I think forgiveness is the hardest thing we can do as human beings, although for the saintly among us, it's easy. We must directly face those we've hurt and ask forgiveness, and we must face those who've hurt us and grant them forgiveness directly. There's no other way that works.

I don't understand asking an intermediary to cleanse us of offenses we've committed against those we're not willing to face. It's my personal custom, as commanded by Jewish law, to precede the Jewish High Holidays by asking people for forgiveness for ways I've hurt them in the past year. I ask forgiveness as an act of contrition and they grant it as an act of mercy. Then we can both go on. They can drop their resentment and I can resolve to do better in the coming year.

This is all I know about forgiveness except for these lovely words of Mark Twain: "Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." May the fragrance of forgiveness perfume all our souls.

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