Wedding Offers Golden Opportunity to a Heal Family Grudge

Q: My brother's daughter, my niece and godchild, will be married in 6 weeks in a Tridentine Latin Mass. After being brought up Catholic, my son was married 2 years ago in a non-Catholic ceremony. Neither my brother nor his family responded to my son's wedding invitation and failed to send a gift or even a card. My son is still very hurt by my brother ignoring his happiness.

How should I respond to the invitation to my niece's wedding? I don't plan to attend the ceremony, but should I RSVP and send a gift, or ignore the invitation, as my brother and his family ignored my son's? - I., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: You should go to your niece's wedding and send a gift. Life gives us very few opportunities to heal old wounds within a family, and this is such an opportunity. Responding with the same unkindness your brother demonstrated would only widen the chasm between you. I suspect his refusal to attend your son's wedding may have had more to do with family fighting than theological scruples.

Go to the wedding in the spirit of forgiveness and show your brother that insults can be met with love -- not more insults. Life, as they say, is too short to let theology kill your family's love for each other.

Q: Is the Menorah is a religious symbol, with or without the Star of David on it? - J., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: Both Judaism and Islam take a dim view of any representational art in the synagogue or masjid. Depicting human beings, even prophets, is considered a violation of the commandment not to make a graven image. However, images of the menorah -- one of the holy objects in the Temple in Jerusalem -- appear in many synagogues. To avoid making an image of such a holy religious artifact, synagogue menorahs are always six-branched. This differentiates them from the actual Temple Menorah, which had seven branches.

The Hanukiah, the Hanukah menorah, has eight branches plus one for the lighter candle. The Star of David was never a part of the menorah and is a symbol without any specific religious connotation. Over time, it has become a common symbol of Judaism and is the favorite symbol for a Jewish necklace.

A model of the ancient menorah stands near the entrance to the Israeli parliament building, the Keneset. It's modeled after the picture of the menorah at the gate of Titus in Rome. The seven lights of the ancient menorah swiveled on their central post and so could be viewed as seven separate lights or seven lights burning as one. I take this to be the religious significance of the menorah.

We can shine on our own and make a beautiful light, or all God's children can shine separately but in line together as one, and in that way cast a unified glow of hope and love on our darkened world.

Q: I thought I'd give the kosher question another whirl! While keeping kosher is a personal choice, I'm surprised when friends who keep kosher tell me they're "strictly" kosher in their homes but eat whatever they please outside the house. Isn't kosher more than just a home-based philosophy? Shouldn't (or isn't) your body considered to be kosher, as well (and therefore, you un-kosher your body if you don't keep kosher outside the home)? - B., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: Kosher is like being pregnant. Either you are or you aren't. The refusal to eat unkosher animals like pigs and crustaceans and fish without scales is the first part. The second part is to eat kosher animals that have been slaughtered in a ritually proper manner. The third part is not to mix milk and meat in the same meal. The fourth part is to only eat dairy and cheese that's been coagulated by kosher means. The fifth part is to never eat at a non-kosher restaurant even if you're only having a fruit plate.

That's the short version of what it takes to keep kosher. Anything short of this is just not keeping kosher. However, many Jewish folks walk their way into full kashrut by going part of the way first. The most common non-kosher but personally meaningful steps I've seen some Jews take are:

--No pork or seafood in the house

--No cheeseburgers

--No milk with coffee at a meat meal

and my absolute favorite...

--Chinese take-out food, including pork, eaten in the basement on a folding table.

It's easy to lampoon such non-kosher hypocricies, but I prefer to let each person, Jew or Christian, grow into the required elements of the ritual life in their own way at their own time. A famous Jewish philosopher who didn't keep kosher was asked once if he did and he answered the best way possible: "Not yet."

NOTE: My advice to a reader who had problems singing the second line of the hymn "Amazing Grace" ("That saved a wretch like me") drew this interesting comment and promising suggestion from a reader:

Dear Rabbi Gelman: I know others who've objected to that line. I've also heard it sung in many churches as follows: "That saved and set me free." Perhaps it should be adopted universally. Keep up your good work!

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.