GWEN WAS A VERY LUCKY TO HAVE A fRIEND LIKE YOU!

By Rabbi Marc Gellman, Tribune Media Services on Jan 1, 2009

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Q: For 15 years, I held medical power of attorney for my best friend, whom I loved and respected. She was very sick for a long time and well aware that her time on earth was short. She even planned her own funeral and had a do not resuscitate order (DNR) in effect.

Many times, my friend stated that she didn't want to be tied to tubes. On one very horrible day, she choked and was taken to the emergency room, where the staff contacted me. When I arrived, the doctor informed me that they had worked on her for a while but couldn't keep her brain functioning and that it would be humane to let her go. I granted permission, and shortly after, she passed away into the arms of God.

Now, for my question... I've always tried to live a life where you do not hurt another, much less agree that someone should die. For so many years, I fought to keep my friend strong and healthy, and I never gave up on her. Now, my soul is so heavy. I know I respected my friend's wishes, but my heart says I let her down and watched her die -- in essence, I killed her by not doing anything to save her.

Does God see me now as a murderer? How do I balance having medical power of attorney and honoring my friend's wishes with the torment my soul is going through? Most of all, how can I ask God to forgive me for letting her die? -- Gwen's friend (via godsquadquestion@aol.com)

A: First, try to remind yourself that for 15 years you kept your friend alive. You helped her achieve a quality of life she would have never been able to achieve without you. At the end of her life, it was simply time for her to go.

It's important for you to understand that your friend was not dying when you received that phone call; she was already gone. Brain death is death, according to all medical and medical ethics guidelines. Although you may feel like the catalyst to her death, it was God who took your friend, not you. Please let go of the burden on your soul. No one could have had a better friend than you. The burden you feel now is not a sign of guilt, but rather a sign of love.

Q: Lady No. 1 has four sisters. These five girls were raised Catholic. Of the five girls, Lady No. 1 marries a Jew and converts. The couple has a daughter, then a son. The daughter does have a bat mitzvah.

The daughter grows up, marries a Christian and has two sons. Now, everyone insists that the boys are what their mother is. The boys are ages 4 and 2. The daughter's husband takes the two boys to church but this causes big problems.

Could you please explain how people can claim that you are what your mother is, while Lady No. 1 isn't what her mother is, but her four sisters are. -- L., via godsquardquestion@aol.com

A: I once had an SAT question like this, and all I remember is that the train gets to Cleveland at 4 p.m. Seriously, here's how this all sorts out (you're going to need a pencil):

Lady No. 1 is Jewish by conversion. This is the answer to why Lady No. 1 is not what her mother was (Catholic). She converted. Meanwhile, her daughter (the subject of your question) is also Jewish because her mother (Lady No. 1) was Jewish when the daughter was born. The daughter would not even have needed a bat mitzvah to be Jewish; being born of a Jewish mother is enough.

Now, on to the two grandsons of the converted Lady No. 1. Even though their dad is Christian, they're also Jewish because their mother was Jewish when they were born. The fact that their Christian father takes them to church has no effect on their Jewishness, though it does imply that the parents have agreed to raise their sons as Christians. If so, the boys should be converted in the church and given a full Christian identity.

It's my personal opinion that the mother of the boys should also consider converting to Christianity so that there's one religion in the home. If there is disagreement about this, it's time for these parents to sit down and talk about the faith of their family.

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad, c/o Tribune Media Services, 2225 Kenmore Ave., Suite 114, Buffalo, NY 14207, or email them to godsquadquestion@aol.com.