PRAYER HAS MANY PURPOSES

Q: How does prayer differ among the major religions? I know some Christians pray to a variety of saints in addition to Jesus. Also, is silent prayer considered as 'effective' as saying the words out loud? Is prayer in a house of worship 'amplified' compared to prayer elsewhere? -- Anonymous, via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: Prayer has many purposes and many fulfillments. One reason for praying out loud and in public is that the prayer service is the way religious communities structure our gathering together. These fixed public prayers are our liturgy. They are the bones that support our communal devotion and the perpetuation of our traditions.

It's comforting to pray the same prayers as the person next to you; you become a common voice and a common sustainer of the traditions you've inherited. Praying communally also is good because there are days when we are spiritually weak and need the support of a community of faith to sustain our hope that tomorrow will be better. On the days when we are strong, it's important to share our strength with those who've been broken by our broken world.

Most liturgies also include a time during communal prayer for worshippers to pray silently. This is an important adjunct to fixed communal prayer because it allows us to commune with God, each in our own way.

Outside houses of worship, prayer also fulfills important spiritual purposes. Individual prayer offers us the opportunity to thank God for something wonderful that's just happened to us, so we don't take our blessings for granted. Private petitionary prayer, whether said aloud or silently, gives us a chance to ask God for help. That help can take many forms, but at its best, petitionary prayer asks God to help us find the strength to get through a tough time.

Prayers asking God to heal those we love are also worthy, and they're more worthy if we understand that healing can come even after death when the soul is taken into the embrace of a loving God. Directing a prayer to the proper address is less important than praying with a contrite and compassionate heart. I believe God answers all prayers, but not always in the way we expect or wish.

The answers God gives to us in prayer that I've felt most deeply are: "You are not alone." and "You have nothing to fear." Your concerns about how we should address God are heartfelt, but I'd urge you to also prayerfully consider how we hear God.

Q: My daughter lives close to a cemetery where people place pebbles on the headstones. What's the meaning of this? -- J., via godsquadquestion@aol.com

A: You daughter lives near a Jewish cemetery and the practice you describe is an old Jewish custom. Its most important function is as a sign to other mourners that this is a pious family who visits the grave.

Placing pebbles on a headstone is not a sign of pride or showiness, but rather a simple sign that the dead are not forgotten. It is just like the custom in Christian cemeteries of placing flowers on graves, but Judaism has always frowned on customs that are expensive signs of grief. That's why flowers are not allowed at Jewish funerals. Simple modesty is the ideal.

I like any sign at any cemetery that somebody has visited a grave. While I'm not a fan of plastic flowers, or plastic anything, any sign is, in my opinion, an act of tender love and remembrance. The stones (and the flowers in Christian cemeteries) also fulfill the spiritual need for touching as a sign of love. When couples come to me for pre-marital conversations, I only look for two things: Do they touch and do they laugh? If they touch and laugh, I know their marriage is off to a solid spiritual start.

In the rituals of mourning, touching is also important, but since we obviously cannot touch the dead, we settle for touching a stone that touches the headstone that touches the earth that touches the casket that touches the one we love. It is distant touching, to be sure, but it is as close as we can get.

When Father Tom Hartman and I were asked to help out at the service for the victims of TWA flight 800, I was amazed and also comforted to see that the grieving families on Smith Point Beach that day wanted and needed to touch the water that touched the remains of those they loved. Touching is primal and spiritual and wordlessly eloquent. I also like seeing the stones at graves because I know that many times they're placed there by families and not just by individuals.

When children are brought to a grave, they're given a family history lesson by being told about the other family members buried there. They're also willing to listen to the stories about the people responsible not only for the color of their eyes but also for the content of their characters. I try to visit the grave of a stranger every time I'm in a cemetery. I pray and leave a stone and a secret wish that somebody from the family will visit soon and leave another stone placed with great love.

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